To Thy Own Self Be True

I've been a proponent of therapy/counseling for as long as I can remember.  When I was in elementary school, I saw the school counselor anytime I needed some perspective and extra guidance.  When I was going to become a big sister, we would go to the library and check out some books on the subject to read together.  When my friends had a conflict, I made them go see the counselor with me to work it out.  I like to verbally talk things out and if I couldn't solve a problem on my own, I had no shame asking for outside help.  I am still exactly this way.

In the summer of 2010, I was struggling big time- Josh and I were knee-deep in our infertility issues having just switched from the Fertility Center in Grand Rapids to the U of M Center for Reproductive Medicine in Ann Arbor.  My family was also knee-deep in my brother's drug addiction.  It seemed like all I was receiving was bad news and there was no "end of the tunnel" in sight.

My sisters and I had been seeing our brother's counselor every so often just to get an outside perspective on what WE were dealing with a loved one with a drug addiction.  We were all on our own journeys: my mom, dad, Eric, and all of us sisters, and it was really difficult finding any common ground, it felt.  The counselor was a nice outlet.  

I divulged my fertility issues to her during a session only to learn that she, herself, had NINE... that's right... NINE miscarriages in between her first and second child.  She understood pieces of my struggle, which was so helpful, but that hit just too close to home for the both of us- she could not counsel me on something so raw for her.  She referred me to a different therapist and I signed up for her next available appointment right away...

Through the next seven and a half years, Dr. A has been an incredible source of peace, understanding, and self-awareness for me.  Seeing her was such a beautiful time that I took for myself to take care of myself.  I knew, in all that I was dealing with, how much harder it was for me to get pregnant if I was stressed out, worried, hopeless, and faithless.

Even though I originally sought her out to help me deal with infertility, it did not take long to start talking through my brother's drug addiction, my issues with weight and food, and then, as the years went on, my brother's death, anxiety, miscarriage, the crippling fear that takes over every pregnancy I have, my tendencies to worry way too much, and wading through my recent, most important job of mom.

She has given me SUCH a gift- a gift I didn't know I needed- extreme clarity.  I now know, with such certainty and a highly deep level of understanding that EVERY struggle I have comes down to pretty much the same theme- my need to control things (what I affectionately refer to as "#MyCrazy").

I had no idea my infertility and brother's drug addiction were related in any way; they were separate struggles that just so happen to be going on at the same time.  How could my issues with weight loss have anything to do with my crippling fear during pregnancy? Nothing in common there.

I could not have been more wrong.

Of COURSE I have crippling fear during pregnancy- I cannot control what happens and I have a NEED to so badly.
Of COURSE my anger was out of control when dealing with my brother's drug addiction- I could not fix him no matter how hard I tried.
Of COURSE I was struggling so deeply with our infertility struggles- there was nothing I could do about my unbalanced hormonal levels and erratic cycles.  

I felt honestly embarrassed that I hadn't put all these things together realizing they all came back to the same thing.  How could I have missed that?!

This clarity has opened up an incredible door- self-awareness.  I.know.me.

Dr. A has provided me with the best tool to help myself- I know exactly what my struggles are and exactly where they come from.  I am not in denial; I am not oblivious, naive, or uninformed.  

I can predict #MyCrazy, I know her triggers, I know when she's arrived and when she's left.  I know exactly the type of situations that are going to give me extreme worry and anxiety even before they happen.  I know precise events that I will want to take over and control.  This self-awareness allows me to communicate to people in my life openly and honestly about what's going on in my head, where I need to draw limits, where I know I will struggle, where I know I'll need help and support, and when I've totally lost it, where that is all coming from.  You can imagine how helpful that all is.  

Best of all, this self-awareness has led towards a level of acceptance for who I am.

That doesn't mean #MyCrazy isn't still there- oh she exists and she disrupts all peace, calm, and balance I try so hard to keep in my life. 

It doesn't mean I don't still struggle with a need to control everything I possibly can because that is truly who I am, at my core.

Never have my visits with Dr. A been about changing myself- they've been about figuring out who I am, why I am who I am, and what I can do to best help myself so that I can be the best I can be.

I recommend therapy and counseling constantly- for me, it has been one of the very best ways I've ever spent my time- to truly take care of me.

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Around Christmas, Dr. A and I had our last session together- I always knew there'd be a day where she would retire and it arrived a little quicker than I was ready for.

I think back to the Kristin I was when I first met her- absolutely hopeless, angry, confused, frustrated beyond belief, and truly just very, very sad and lost.  

Through tears, I revisited myself 7.5 years ago with her- those feelings still raw and real.

I tried to find words to explain to her what our time has meant to me and how much she's truly helped.  Nothing seemed good enough to say.

Instead I just thanked her, for helping me know me.  I'm pretty sure, through her big smile as she hugged me tightly on my way out, that was really the goal all along.