False Apologies & One Possible Solution

A couple of weeks ago, my sixth graders and I were crafting false apology poems after looking at William Carlos Williams This is Just to Say. If you're unfamiliar with the poem, it's essentially a sticky note left outside the fridge of him saying that he ate his wife's plums that she was probably saving for breakfast. He says 'forgive me' but then goes on to talk about how delicious they were. It's the first #sorrynotsorry. My students wrote AMAZING poems, many having to do with a quarrel between siblings where they knew they should BE sorry and should SAY sorry, but many of them faked it because they really weren't actually sorry.

Before they wrote, I asked them to raise their hands if they've ever given a false apology before- you said sorry, but you totally didn't mean it... every.single.hand. was in the air. We've all been there.

This made me think about the way we facilitate our own children dealing with conflict. We all, as parents, want our kids to actually BE sorry when they've done something wrong so that when they say they are sorry, they mean it... it's sincere. 

BUUUUUUUUUUT that isn't always the case. 

There have been a lot of things written about not making your kid give a false apology- it condones lying, it practicing being fake, it completely nullifies the idea of actually being sorry. I totally get it. But what's the alternative? How do we help our kids show compassion to someone they've wronged?!

I've found a way... certainly not THE way, but something that I think has been helping my boys.

Let's say Carter knocks down a Magnatile Tower Nolan has been working hard on. He may get a time away or something like that. Afterward, Josh or I will have a conversation with him. The first thing we ask is "why did you get a time-out?" Our kids seem pretty aware and are usually able to articulate what they've done or said to land them away from the playing or fun they were just having. This step is really important to us... we want to make sure our kids are self-aware and self-reflective even if it's after an impulsive behavioral decision.

Following that, we do not make our kids apologize. Instead we ask, "How are you going to make this right?"

This opens up a door to many possibilities of restitution. This also allows our boys to think more on it and make a call themselves. Mom and Dad are not telling them exactly how to handle their problems.

So, Carter may say, "I could help him rebuild it." He could say, "I think a hug would make him feel better." Or, he could also say, "I'm going to say sorry to him." Many times, our boys do decide to apologize as their way of making things right, but it isn't the only solution and if that is what is done to make something right, THEY are choosing it, not me.

With four kids there is a lot of dysfunction, but also a lot of love <3

How do you help support your kids in showing compassion to one another?