If Only The Pandemic Was When I Was...

Anyone in my life knows I haven't handled this pandemic very well. 

It's a perfect cocktail of the extremely high expectations I put on myself + an incredible sense of responsibility for my children's education, mental health, and well being + wanting to do everything + wanting to do everything well + being an anxious worrier + little to no alone time or break from... well... anything = a sh*t storm for me. 

My mom has been on the receiving end of teary phone calls from me more times than I can count. 

My group chats have been on the receiving end of many pictures of dumpster fires to describe how it's going at my house on any given day. 

And I have been on the receiving end of text messages from friends checking in to see how I am doing (thank you, profusely, by the way). 

I sometimes find myself, after an occasional good cry in the shower (shower cries are just the BEST aren't they?! Such a good way to let things out), thinking there HAS to have been other times in my life where this Coronavirus Pandemic would've been easier for me to deal with. A time where I would've rocked it out, been so totally okay, living my best isolated life. It would've certainly been sometime in my 36 years when I didn't have four young children who very much need all of my emotional energy, physical energy, and intellectual energy. 

Surely, there was a better time for this to happen in my life...

If only the pandemic was when I was a kid and had way less responsibility! 

Pavona Kiddos- that's me, the gal holding baby Rachel circa 1995

Actually, NOPE! 

My dad was a respiratory therapist and for much of my childhood, he was a supervisor in that department. He would've been working literally around the clock. We would've been worried constantly that he would've gotten exposed to the Coronavirus. I would've lost sleep over that. My mom would've been trying to juggle five children while also working herself at the hospital. We would've had no childcare as my grandparents were our babysitters on rare occasions and my parents would've never wanted to expose them. It would've been really hard.

If only the pandemic was when Josh and I were married before we had started a family!

Are you insane?! NOPE!

Josh and I in Venice: 2012

The first couple years of our marriage would've probably been easier, yes. However, after that, we would've been struggling to get and stay pregnant. I would've had fertility doctors appointments canceled, months and months of cycles without being able to take any medicines. I would've been driven to the brink of breakdown having months go by without any forward progress- praying for doctors to see a patient like me. I probably would've had to go to appointments, where I got bad news after bad news, all alone. 

The trips we clung onto to give us any solace or break from the absolute all-consuming fertility struggle would've been canceled. No Cancun, no Europe, no Toronto, no Disney. We would have been absolutely devastated. 

Our miscarriages would've bene suffered in extreme isolation. It would've been really hard.

If only the pandemic was when I was a new mom. We would've been hunkering down with Nolan and Judah and not doing much of anything anyway!

Ummmm, absolutely NOPE! 

New mom of TWINS: 2013

I think I am worrying a lot now- I can't forget what a disaster I was pregnant and in the early weeks of Nolan and Judah's life. I would've been overly paranoid about their brand new immune systems being exposed and probably wouldn't have let anyone see them, meet them. I would've missed out on all the kindness and love we were shown by so many who knew how wanted these babies were. Nolan and Judah would've missed out on so many professional snuggle sessions by friends and family. 

I would've taken back my maternity leave and returned to work right away teaching remotely, like three of my colleagues did (you all are ROCK-STARS by the way) while recovering from a C-Section and trying to feed, diaper, and care for TWO babies around the clock. It would've been what was best for my classroom and my students. My level of exhaustion would've been inconceivable. It would've been really hard.   

Hmmm... I guess I'm seeing a theme here.

I get it.

There would've never been a "good" time for this to happen in my life- never a good time to be quarantined, never a good time to have school go remote, never a good time not to see the ones you love, never a good time not to be able to travel, never a good time to have to wear a mask in public, miss celebrations, events, trips, or milestones. This stinks, no matter when. It's really hard, no matter when. 

As usual, you think the grass is greener, but it never really is.

Being able to work through all this will no doubt help to remind me, when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, that I would always be about to lose my mind during a pandemic. That's why I wrote this down; I'll clearly need to re-read this.

 THIS IS NOT NORMAL! 

I would've never rocked this out. I would've never been living my best life in isolation. 

This is really hard. End of story.