I Lost Myself During This Pandemic- Here's How I'm Finding Me Again

Throughout this pandemic, I lost myself. 

I lost my personal interests and my personal identify. It was a gradual process.

I began to notice, through the spring shutdown, that the things that helped me balance out my role as mom were not allowed or closed. Seeing friends was off limits, going out to eat or drinks or dessert with adults was not an option, writing curriculum while I was taking a break from teaching was put on hold. Not having these things in my life, suddenly, made me really, really sad. As time went on and the weeks became months, I began to also notice the other things that helped full me up and provide respite were also taken away from me. Having time to myself to do ANYTHING like reading, writing, working out, or working on creative projects was non existent. One day, in early summer, I realized that anything I did or was interested in or spent time doing that was just for me was gone. Anything that helped make me who I was ripped from me. 

Kicking and Screaming

I did not take these realizations lightly. In fact, I went down literally kicking and screaming. My adult tantrums were epic and frequent. My emotions were completely out of wack- I was easily irritable, extremely overwhelmed, impatient, sad, feeling empty even. My family, of course, got the brunt of this. No one could do anything right, everyone bugged me. My kids and Josh, I'm certain, had to walk on egg shells around me. I could blow up at any time. I felt like a shred of who I was before the Coronavirus hit. 

I read these words over and I sound over-dramatic. That's what people often do, right? Have feelings and then feel guilty for having those feelings? People have it so much worse than you do, Kristin I would tell myself. Get yourself together I repeated in my head literally hundreds of times a day.

I NEED Breaks

One of the things that's hardest for me to find, in my life, is balance. Because I throw myself into anything I do 150%, I can get overwhelmed, overtired, overworked. I am trying to do everything right, everything excellent, and everything the best ALL.THE.TIME. and it's freaking exhausting sometimes (or always). The way I learned to counteract those feelings is take breaks. Whether that's sitting and watching a show, reading, writing, taking a walk, or staring out the window. I need breaks. They are my lifeline to turn off my brain and let out a breath. Everything I do to take a minute of rest was taken away from me during this pandemic. At least that's how it felt.  

I kept telling myself I could handle it. I tried reminding myself this was temporary.  

You may have read that I reached my breaking point in mid September. Everything bubbled out of me at an alarming rate and I knew in that moment I needed to make some changes to get myself back on the right track. I needed to take steps to find myself again. 

How I'm Finding Me Again

One of the things I did right away was go back to therapy. I have told my therapist that the second things shutdown I should've gone directly back to therapy. I am zero percent surprised I ended up back there: this pandemic has created so many things I cannot control. Having a grip on my life is something this struggling perfectionist needs. Duh I would be having a hard time with all of it. Duh. I am relearning how to be kind to myself, to give grace, to deescalate myself and make myself feel better. Even though, thankfully, I have a wide net of caring people, I am most responsible for taking care of myself and my feelings.

Another change I've made to find myself again is to schedule time away from everyone. Time to myself. Lame as it sounds, when you have five people who live with you that are around literally 24/7, you have to MAKE time alone happen. I have a break every Thursday afternoon that I look so forward to. I get to do WHATEVER I want during that time. Right now I am making myself go for a run during some of it because I used to workout regularly before the pandemic and now I don't. But if I want to read, I do it. If I want to clean the basement, I do. If I want to stare at the television and watch the Real Housewives, I do that with a smile on my face. The kids know it's my me time, Josh schedules his Thursday accordingly. This is a team effort.   

Other things are more scheduled too. I take social media breaks twice a week. Josh and me look at each week and decide nights that we are just going to spend time together without doing anything productive or work related after the kids to got to bed. When I am having a hard time, being more scheduled always helps me feel calmer. It helps me keep my priorities in check.

Finally, we are working on our spaces here at home: decluttering, reorganizing, quieting them. We have a big family and having us all home all the time for the last nine months has made me very aware of where we have too many things, what could use a good revamping. This pandemic has made work and school invade the place that's supposed to be the respite from everything. I want my home to be where you can enter and feel cozy and safe and check your burdens at the door. Take that big exhale and enter knowing you are loved. Everything is here now. We are adapting our spaces accordingly. 

Work in Progress

I feel more myself right now than I have in a long time and I also know there is work to do. This is a work in progress. Taking care of myself isn't something I do naturally. Taking a break isn't something I do naturally. Cutting myself slack or giving myself grace isn't something I do naturally.  

Currently, I am trying to teach myself to meditate. A skill I am learning is SO hard for someone who is always going a mile a minute in their head ;) I am trying to draw better boundaries with my kids and their school work to alleviate some of the contention that has entered my home as a result of remote learning. I am talking to my kids about my feelings and asking them to talk to me about theirs. 

I am no expert and self-care, but if I can offer any piece of wisdom from my 9 month journey with this pandemic so far it is this: listen to yourself. I knew I was in trouble long before I said it aloud. I knew what I wanted and needed long before I asked for it. Even though I am hard on myself and rarely shovel out the grace and kindness to myself that I know I deserve, I still know myself. Also, please remember that it's so very hard to take care of others if you are not taking care of you. That's a common phrase for a reason. No wonder I was so hard on my boys, so impatient, so irritable. I was giving myself nothing and then I had nothing to give to anyone else either. As women or parents or moms we give, give, give, give. We run on fumes, on empty. It does, eventually, catch up with us. I waited until it caught up with me. Don't wait.