Infertility & Baby Showers: A Mixed Emotions Story

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. For whatever reason, I am noticing it being talked about by so many in the accounts I follow this year and I am SO glad. Thankful. If these resources and conversations were more at my fingertips when I was struggling years ago, I know I would've been overjoyed not to feel so alone.

One of the posts I was just reading was about how many mixed emotions someone can feel going through infertility. I remember, during one of the hardest times for me, there were several people at work pregnant at the same time. I was, genuinely, happy for them and I hope they each felt that from me. I also went back and forth on whether I actually COULD show up to their baby showers. I didn't know if I could handle it, my heart so broken and so hopeless.

Mixed Emotions of Infertility

After years of infertility, these are the first pictures of my twins <3 

I was joyful and deeply, deeply sad at the same time. It was really weird. I literally agonized over what to do. I went back and forth, back and forth- to go or not to go? My enneagram 1 came out strong yelling inside me that it was the RIGHT thing to do to go to these showers. I loved these women, I loved their babies, I loved their growing families. Going there, in my head, was how to show that.

On the other hand, I would think about seeing all the gifts, being in attendance with mothers and their little ones in tow, playing a game of how many inches the belly was and I just couldn't. I was instantly in a pool of tears and anxiety. What if I cried there? What if I showed up and couldn't handle it? I was so scared of embarrassing myself or showing myself in any other way than put together. Not all of these women even knew I was struggling with infertility. That I had miscarried. That I was being poked and prodded weekly, daily.

It was my choice to be silent about it. A decision I later reversed and never turned back from. Being open about my infertility was one of the best decisions I made in my entire life.

This mix of emotions is something I'd imagine, anyone struggling with infertility have in common. Feeling happy for someone else and sad for yourself. TRYING so hard to keep those things separate. I knew, KNEW that one person's pregnancy had NOTHING to do with my lack of pregnancy, but it's all so blurry.

A Decision Made is the Right Decision

In the end, I went to the baby showers. I was an anxious wreck before and had a good cry after, but during, I could be truly joyful, present, and enjoy myself.

My deepest regret is not just being me in any state that I was in. These women I worked with are sensational: they are kind, and loving, and would've understood me, would've accepted me. I was lucky that was the case, but I didn't even give them a chance to do that. I was outwardly perfectly okay. I used the word perfectly on purpose, because that's my thing- this perfectionism I am always fighting.

My decision to go was the one that was right for me. If I would've stayed home that would've been the right decision also. Anyone struggling with infertility may choose to deal with in any way that's right for them. This club no one wants to be in is HIGHLY INDIVIDUALIZED.

ANY Feelings are Valid Feelings

Through years of therapy and time, I've learned so much about how two strong feelings can coexist. You don't have to pick one of them to act with or on. Happiness and sorrow can be next to each other- both being important, both being prominent.

To say my years of infertility were like a roller coaster would be a drastic understatement.

I tell this story for everyone just to be kind, be aware. You never know what someone else is fighting. If you have a friend who doesn't come to your baby shower, that may be the right decision for her. It has NOTHING to do with how happy she is for you, I PROMISE. If you have a friend at your shower fighting back tears, she may have done the bravest act, showing up.

If you are struggling with infertility, let people in if you can. You'll be surprised at how much grace, acceptance, and love is out there to wrap its arms around you while you are going through it. Also, go to the baby shower if that's what's right for you. Don't go if that's what's right for you. Learning in to how YOU are feeling is what's best for you. The end.