Two Very Scary Days

I need to just get this out...
Monday a body was found on the playground at my sons' elementary school. The early communication of what was going on was vague and even though the email said students were safe, I found myself not fully sure I believed. My mind raced to all kinds of unspeakable places. Kids were dismissed early from school that day. Nolan was white as a ghost when he got in the car. He kept asking me what was going on. He was so scared he didn't eat his lunch. School was canceled for the next day. We had some hard conversations at home with a LOT of questions.
Tuesday morning, while my family was hiking in the woods to try to find some peace, my boys heard sirens over and over and over. I received a text from one of my best friends (and a nurse) that she was hearing from the hospital there was an active shooter at the high school. The ERs were preparing for kids to come. My sister called me from the bank where customers were sobbing trying to get a hold of their children. For the next hour, the shooting felt absolutely real- NOTHING fake about it. I'm sure we were acting like many in our community... calling loved ones, checking in, trying to understand what information was real and what wasn't. My boys were scared again. I kept thinking over and over again how I was ever going to be able to help everyone through this. I'm beyond relieved that the 911 call was fake, but I feel I need to say again that NOTHING about it felt fake while it was unfolding. It was all very, very real.
I had two straight days of being scared out of my mind and then having to also be a parent. I pushed all my big feelings aside and focused on my kids. Making sure I was answering every question, making sure I was providing extra snuggles, dealing with kids getting up in the night having nightmares. Doing everything I could to help my kids feel safe in the world that very much didn't feel safe.
Today I dropped three kids off back to school. A school full of the most caring and selfless people. I know they are pushing back some of their own feelings to take care of my boys today.
After taking Preston to preschool a few hours later, I just sat in my car and cried and cried. Those tears were begging to be let out.
This experience has changed my children and has changed me.
Our young people are everything... EVERYTHING. I will keep fighting for no community to ever have to experience anything like this. Beyond grateful all our children are safe... we were lucky ones.

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