The Luckiest No Matter What!

Dear Nolan, HAPPY EIGHTH BIRTHDAY!!!! I hope eight is so great. Meanwhile I’m sitting here trying to figure out how in the world anyone that I’ve birthed is eight years old. That’s a really old kid! When I wrote your seven-year-old letter last year, I had so many thoughts about the Coronavirus Pandemic and how crazy everything was then. How resilient you’ve had to be, how many things change all the time, how much you’ve had to roll with the punches. Here I am, thinking about your last year having many of the same feelings… SHEESH.  In the last year, you’ve had no school at all, online school last spring, a very different online school this fall and winter, one in person schedule, and now a second this spring so far. Adaptability is hard for me. Adaptability is hard for you. Sometimes I seriously think someone took out my brain, cloned it, and put it into you. You don’t like not knowing things, you don’t like not understanding things. There is a lot not to know right now, a lot not ...

Dear Judah, HAPPY EIGHTH BIRTHDAY! At Nolan’s soccer game today, I saw a family with twin boys that are two. It brought everything back to me, picturing you and Nolan that little, having you start to have big feelings and want to communicate, and being so mobile. You and Nolan always darted in opposite directions and I would have to try and chase both of you. Now you’re eight, which feels so old. Wow.  2nd grade, despite its difficulties with the pandemic, has been a big year for you. Your confidence in reading is continuing to go up and up and up. You are sharing your voice and your opinions in school becoming quite the participator. I love that. You have more strategies and tools and problem-solving ideas than I think anyone I’ve ever met. It’s so cool to watch you or listen to you as you work. We are still working on having some sense of urgency sometime during school work and keeping your focus on your task at hand. You will always do everything in your own time, my sweet boy, ...

Dear Carter, HAPPY SIXTH BIRTHDAY, BING! You’ve been very excited to turn six and are always looking to the next things you can do when you get bigger. Meanwhile, I am trying to just slow down time because every time I look at you I see a very, very rolly and smiley baby.  You are almost done with the strangest kindergarten year ever. In a way, this pandemic has actually given you such a gift for kindergarten. Whether online or in person, you’ve never had to go to a full day of school. I think that’s pretty great for a 5 year old! It’s given us more time to be together. This has all been challenging, also, because you’ve not had a typical school experience yet. There is a lot for you to learn at how to “do” school: raising your hand, taking your time on work, only talking at appropriate times, etc. So far, though, you’ve been a friend to all, a hard worker, and someone everyone can count on to move discussions forward.  This year, I’ve watched you become a reader… and I seriou...

Dear Preston, HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY!!! My last baby is three! The other day, at Great Grandma Hundt’s funeral, I saw a few of Daddy’s cousins with baby bellies and it was so strange to me that I’m done with having a brand new baby in the house. You are it. What a beautiful ending to the baby stage, though, as you have been a radiant light; bringing more joy wherever it is that you are. This last year you learned to truly speak, jump incredibly well on the trampoline, go down slides, swing, dig in the sand, have books that you can read by heart, sing all kinds of songs, say prayers, and confirm for Daddy and I that we created no shy or quiet children. Hearing you find your voice and seeing you learn of things you love has been an awesome part of your two-year-old life!  You are certainly finding your own way and doing things your own way too. S ometimes you’ll eat anything like sushi or soup or all kinds of salads. Other times you don’t feel like eating a banana anymore after you wer...

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. For whatever reason, I am noticing it being talked about by so many in the accounts I follow this year and I am SO glad. Thankful. If these resources and conversations were more at my fingertips when I was struggling years ago, I know I would've been overjoyed not to feel so alone. One of the posts I was just reading was about how many mixed emotions someone can feel going through infertility. I remember, during one of the hardest times for me, there were several people at work pregnant at the same time. I was, genuinely, happy for them and I hope they each felt that from me. I also went back and forth on whether I actually COULD show up to their baby showers. I didn't know if I could handle it, my heart so broken and so hopeless. Mixed Emotions of Infertility After years of infertility, these are the first pictures of my twins <3  I was joyful and deeply, deeply sad at the same time. It was really weird. I literally agonized...

If you know me well, you know it took me a looooooooooooong time to get a smart phone.  Paying a ridiculous amount of money on internet at home AND internet on my cell phone was too much for my frugal mind to bear. Nope, negative, never.  Time passed, years actually, and I continued with my non-smart phone. I really didn't mind whatever I was missing out on until I really started to miss out on things. My phone became so outdated that I began not to be able to get any emojis. A small problem, certainly, but when someone would tell me something, it was sometimes hard for me to sense the tone of things. I'd get a box or two, which I knew were emojis, but who knows which ones!? Did she just send me a wink to tell me she was kidding or a mad face to tell me she wasn't? Did he just put the middle finger up or the clapping hands? Those are very different takeaways.  I also started not being able to get group texts... at all. Think about how often you are texting with severa...

Mistakes are tricky for me.  I know I make hundreds of them a day. But, I work tirelessly, to the point of exhaustion, to prevent myself from making them. Mistakes are where our greatest learning and unlearning takes place, which makes them extremely necessary. However, when I make mistakes, I'm simultaneously tearing myself down to shreds while  learning and unlearning. I outwardly embrace mistake making, encourage it both to my own children and the students I've served. Inwardly, though, the thought of possibly making a mistake makes me nervous and sometimes downright terrified.  I am working on my complicated relationship with mistakes and failures in therapy. I have been reacquainted with why this tricky relationship exists, where it came from, and what triggers it. I'm slowly working on how to sit with the feelings that making a mistake bring to me... uncomfortable ones of sadness and failure. Finally, I am learning how I can help myself  feel better and mo...