What I've Learned About Perfectionism

I am a walking stereotype...

I am a Virgo and basically encompass every single trait I've ever read about that sign. Virgos tend to be extremely responsible, a planner, meticulous, over-critical and judgmental (of themselves probably more than others), neat, selective, economical, worriers, highly determined, and sometimes harsh. Check, check, check.

I'm also a first born. I follow essentially every psychologists research on what a first born might be like. First-borns are often reliable, people-pleasing, rule-followers, goal oriented, conscientious, critical, control freaks, scholarly, leaders, and well organized. Again... CHECK.


You can see, as you look at these traits, how much Virgos and first-borns share. This is a powerful, dangerous cocktail, I can assure you. 

I kinda hate that I am SUCH a cookie cutter of both of these things, but even the fact that I don't like how much I fall into the natural roles of these things also perpetuated the stereotypes farther so go figure. BLAH.

I've just recently finished The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Dr. Kevin Leman. Add it to my obsession of parenting books. It was an awesome, awesome read!

One of the best things about it was how many lenses I could look at the information here- my own perspective growing up being the oldest of five kid, looking at the inter-workings of Josh's family as he is a middle child with many first born traits, and then looking at the family I'm currently cultivating.

First-borns and only children (who often function very much the same), got four whole chapters just about them, which was fascinating for me. In chapter 5 "How Good is 'Good Enough'?" it focuses on the idea of first-borns and only children being perfectionists.

Perfectionism is stereotypically not only a first-born trait, but also a Virgo trait.

I am absolutely a perfectionist- I admit it, I own, it, I don't try to deny it.

There was a question at the beginning of the chapter that asked, "So which of the following describes perfectionism best for you?" Then there were four answers:

• A. a burden
• B. a cause of stress and even disease
• C. a slow suicide
• D. a strength 

When I thought about it, I have ABSOLUTELY thought of my perfectionism as a burden and ABSOLUTELY a cause of stress. I am often or always stressed out about SOMETHING. If not, I will find something to stress about. You can ask anyone who knows me. Actually, you don't even have to know me well, probably even if you just know me a little bit you've seen it.

I never thought of my perfectionism as letter C probably because I definitely have thought about it positively, like in choice D. Because of my perfectionism, I am often more prepared than most people, more practiced than most people, more rehearsed than more people. I am an incredibly dependable person and a persevering, extremely hard worker. Aren't those all good things?! Those qualities are BECAUSE I am striving for perfection... or at least I thought...

As you go on to keep reading chapter 5, Dr. Leman believes all of those choices to be right answers EXCEPT for answer D. He claims that perfectionism is not a strength. 

I found myself wanting to argue with this guy, but kept reading.

He began to describe cycles of perfectionism and how hopeless that pursuit really is. How often perfectionists jump all in, which sounds like a great thing, but then it turns for the worse. Perfectionists many times get overwhelmed with what they've committed to or the expectations they've placed on themselves and then begin to have doubts of being able to accomplish everything they've set out to do. Then, the self-doubt and self-loathing comes in, I could've done better... I blew it...I know I can do better than that, etc, etc, etc.

This type of thinking turns some perfectionists into procrastinators, who's fear of failing is so high they don't even want to start and turns other perfectionists into serious control freaks who cannot delegate and are unbalanced in where they place their time and effort. The latter is me. Duh.

Perfectionism also makes hardworking, goal-oriented, high-achieving leaders into thinking their best is literally never good enough. When I read that here, it makes me really sad.

I fall into this. Family and friends I love fall into this. I've seen my students fall into this.

It's not okay.

I started to understand and believe what Dr. Leman was claiming- that perfectionism is not a strength. So then how can I harness this drive for perfection in a healthier way???

In the following chapter, Dr. Leman dove into this exact thing and it's all about excellence.

That is how to healthily function is to strive for excellence, NOT perfection.

I think many perfectionists like me often think in terms of black and white (hahah this is not surprisingly another Virgo stereotype). It's either doing things exactly right or failure... perfection or mediocrity. Seeking perfection is impossible. Seeking excellence is satisfying.

Here are some statements from The Birth Order Book to help illustrate the difference between the two:

• I aim for the top (perfection)
• I strive to do my best (excellence)

OR

• I blew it! How could I let this happen? (perfection)
• What a bummer! But I see what went wrong. Next time... (excellence)

People who pursue excellence are still setting goals, are still having high expectations, but THESE ARE ATTAINABLE. That's the difference. 

I hear you loud and clear, Dr. Leman.

Even though I know better, I needed to read this book to be told flat out that perfection is impossible and people who strive for that are setting impossible goals. This isn't rocket science, but I hadn't learned my lesson...yet.

The, at times, desperate need for perfection, is still going to be inside of me- I am who I am. However, I can begin to make little changes. 

I can be kinder to myself and others- giving grace out more freely. I can step back and let others take the lead so that I can be less worried with things I cannot control. I can, especially, make sure to be intentional about the way I give feedback to my children so that they can strive for excellence instead of perfection as well. 

And, as hard as this is, I can let things get a little more muddy, a little more messy and trust the joy that comes with the process of figuring things out, failing miserably, and learning all along the way.

If you are perfectionist- GIVE YOURSELF A FREAKING BREAK! I know, I know, easier said than done.


If you love a perfectionist, I hug them often and have patience with them- it's really, really hard trying to do things perfectly all the time. Help show them that excellence contains a lot more fulfillment and balance than perfectionism does.