August 28th: 8 Years Later

On August 28th, 2011, my life changed forever. 

I lost my brother Eric, then 25, to a heroin overdose... on my parents' 29th wedding anniversary of all days.

It's been a real challenge for us all to honor both the joy of my parents' marriage and the heartache of losing my brother at the same time- how do you even begin to do both of those justice? 

My mom posted a picture on Facebook today of my dad and brother snuggling on the couch together when he was little. She wrote a beautiful post about how important these two boys are in her life- being so grateful for my dad and his steadfast commitment as a husband and father and also wishing so badly my brother, her son, was still here and healthy.

I can't stop looking at the picture- I just keep going back to it and going back to it. It has stopped me so much in my tracks that I wasn't able to come up with words of my own for a long time. 

I think, as I'm reflecting, that picture has made me emotional for SO many reasons...

When I look at my brother, I see Carter's eyes and build, Preston's little grin, Judah's nose, Nolan's hands. He is little, he is innocent, and probably could not be any safer than in his Daddy's arms. I know that's how my parents will always see him- their little boy. 

When my brother was struggling and very sick in his addiction, I was compassionate and tried to be helpful, certainly, but I was also judgemental and at times, harsh. I didn't know any better. How could my brother be throwing his life away like this? How could he let something so bad control him? How could he do this to my parents? To his sisters? My parents always found grace... always. 

I think it took me being a mom to understand how my parents continued to muster up the strength to give him grace as he struggled. They continued to picture my brother as that little boy, innocent and joyful and were willing to do anything.... ANYTHING in their power to help that little boy who was disguised as a lying, cheating, cruel adult. He was sick. I know that now much better than I ever knew that before. I know so much more about addiction and the brain and what a sickness this truly is.

As much as I wanted to write my brother off, back then, as his sister, I understand fully why my parents never did, never would and never ever could.  

Then I look at my dad in that picture and think of both him and my mom and how completely devoted they have always been to our family. There is not a single thing my mom and dad wouldn't have done for us growing up. They worked hard to give us a great life, kept us safe, supported, and loved... unconditionally. 

I think about that young dad snuggling with his son and I think of Josh and how much love he has for our four boys. I have an endless supply of pictures showing the love between my husband and our sons... snuggling together just like the one of my dad and brother, or holding hands, walking, or laughing, etc. 

As parents, we picture what life will be like for our kids in the future- we make plans in our heads. We think about their strengths and passions and how that could lead to a fulfilling career and/or hobby someday. We think about what kinds of people they may spend their time with or love, what college they might go to or how we will pay them back for all the early mornings by using a blowhorn to wake them up early when they are teenagers (does anyone else think about this last one or is that just Josh and me?!)

I know my parents had the greatest hopes and dreams for my brother- he was the smartest one of us all, after all! He had so much talent. I can only imagine what was on my dad's mind as he snuggled my brother that day. 

Seeing that picture did a lot to me today. I have such a different perspective now, eight years later, as I look into the four pairs of eyes of my young sons and all that could be, all that may lay ahead...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Anniversary to my parents- they've spent 37 years married, experiencing, truly, all the ups and downs of life. As I look around at the life I'm building, none of that would be possible without their commitment to each other. I am so grateful they've been willing to do the work, the hard work, of staying together and loving each other. 

Also, to my brother, life isn't the same without you... it never will be. I know you entrusted me with four little boys intentionally and for a reason and I hope I am doing you proud. There has never been a single day where you were not completely loved.