COVID-19 Home Life: Week Five
Admitting you need help is hard.
Accepting help is hard.
This week I cracked. I was impatient, snappy, and on the brink of tears throughout most of the beginning of the week. I tried to fix it by making sure I went to bed a bit earlier, by trying to start each day with a fresh clean slate, by trying to look for positives where I could, but by Wednesday I was feeling like none of it was helping enough to pull myself out. I had lost my temper multiple times and everything was annoying me and frustrating me. I clearly needed some help.
I went and told Josh, through tears, that I needed him to look at his calendar over the next few weeks and clear some hours or take a day off if possible so that I could not be with the kids. I had been wearing this mom, teacher, and United Nations Peacekeeper hat for almost five weeks straight every minute of every day with no escape, with no break, with no end in sight. I wasn't expecting him to come to me, not even an hour later, and suggest that Friday be the day. I didn't think he was going to suggest a day so soon- I was thinking in the next week or two. By then I had already talked myself out of 'needing' this time. I was okay, I could do this, pull yourself together, Kristin. I tried to argue with him and tried to tell him never mind, but he refused to let me.
I had never asked for help like this and he knew it. After going back and forth several times and my telling him I was fine and him not believing me, I finally said okay and accepted my "day off" on Friday. I bet he knew I was going to go back and forth with him about it ;)
To be clear, I wasn't asking for a day to take a nap or watch TV or rest (even though that would've been lovely and I certainly deserved it). What I was asking for was the chance to wear a different hat. Take a time-out from the job I was breaking my back (figuratively) and my spirit (literally) to do- this momming, teaching, UN Peacekeeping work.
Just knowing that I was going to do something different on Friday helped me tremendously for the rest of Wednesday and Thursday. I'm pretty sure Josh knew that was going to happen also, which is why he tried to clear a day as soon as possible. He knows how important it is to me to have things to look forward to and how much I was struggling with feeling like there is NOTHING to look forward to right now. You can see it's very obvious that my husband puts up with a lot from me, is a saint, and truly knows me and I am so grateful.
Friday came.
I had made Josh sub plans of sorts (don't act surprised, you had to know that was coming) and with the exception of being around for a few hours to do three scheduled Zoom calls for Nolan, Judah, and Carter, and eating lunch together as a family, I was not with the kids during their day. I primed some windows we are going to paint, I took too small clothes out of rooms and put them away, I organized some bedrooms, etc.
I took my mom hat off and it felt really, really nice.
I truly think it saved me, mentally.
Josh also got to take a break from being locked up in our bedroom with headphones in his ears staring at a computer, which I think was really great for him too. Also nice for the boys to have a change especially considering what I witch I've been to them the last few days.
I know I posted last week about your hard being hard and that it's okay, however, as much as I say that to myself, I still feel like a jerk.
I feel like a jerk that I'm struggling with all of this even though my family is healthy and Josh can keep working. I feel like an even bigger jerk that sometimes I cannot handle my own children.
And I hate how much I struggle with admitting that I'm struggling. But here we are. This is my truth.
Besides my complete unraveling, there were some bright spots to mention..
SMILES:
- Nolan, Judah, and Carter started their own rock collections
- We did two science experiments
- A thank you to friends and family who keep checking on me- so many have the struggle bus parked in front of their house right now and feeling not alone really helps
- Easter was sensational despite us missing our families and we ate one of the best cakes I've ever had (thanks, Costco)
- We embraced the terrible weather Thursday and played in the snow and listened to Christmas music
- Preston finally learned the word 'ball.' He is OBSESSED with balls and plays with them all day long, but has been calling them 'hoop' as in basketball hoop. He was so proud of himself.
I'm so glad I admitted I needed help, asked for it, and accepted it this week.
What are you all doing to help yourself stay sane during this time? I clearly need some more tools!
And finally, to Josh- thank you listening to me when you should and not listening to me when you should. You heard me loud and clear when I asked for help and then refused to listen when I told you I didn't need it anymore. Thank God we have a friendship of more than 20 years so you can wade through all the nuanced crap to know exactly what I'm communicating to you. That is no easy task. I love you.
Comments
Post a Comment