Thursday, May 10, 2012

While in limbo...

Right now, Josh and I are forced to be in limbo.  As I am still having side effects from my miscarriage, and because my doctor's are making me take a break to heal and restart my cycle, he and I cannot move forward with anything fertility related.

Hence, I've been doing a lot of pondering lately.  I went and saw my therapist (yes, I see a shrink...I think you would too if you'd had a year like mine).  The last time I saw her, I showed her my ultrasound pictures showing a healthy baby so needless to say, we had a lot to talk about.  One of the things she always asks me, because she completely understands what type of person I am, is how I am taking care of me.  My initial answer to her was that I honestly didn't think that I was taking care of me.  Then, something dawned on me about the way I can handle my current situation better.

I (and Josh too) have sacrificed and changed our life a lot to be able to handle all of the fertility stuff.  Our lives get planned around when we need to go to Ann Arbor, when I'm on medicine, we constantly have to talk about where we'll be when he has to or I have to give myself a shot.  Both times I was lucky enough to be pregnant, it was constatnly on the mind: the worry, the hope, the excitment.  Honestly ever single decision I made was to take care of the life growing inside me. 

I have been given a gift.  It might be wrapped in strange wrapping paper, but a gift none-the-less.  I am being forced to only take care of myself until sometime in the summer (whenever I get the green light to take medicine again).  I decided, going kicking and screaming, that I'm going to take advantage of that.

If I wanna go running, which often times I am medically unable to do, I will.

If I wanna go stuff my face, (every so often of course) with some serious junk food and a drink or two, I'm going to.

If I want to feel better about the way I look and maybe want to go tanning, I will.

I'm going to do what I need to do to heal and feel better so that whenever my next baby-trying round comes, I'll be physically and emotionally ready to put my energy and effort into that.

I think we're conditioned to think that selfishness is a "bad" thing, but maybe in this case, it's the best thing I can do for myself, my marriage, and our future family.

Until next time....
I hope this teaches, heals, and connects.   

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