So, I'm 14 weeks now and we have been continuing to keep this pregnancy a secret. No one but our immediate family and a few close friends has been privy to our good news over the last three months.
I know people who have kept up with Josh and I on our journey to become parents are not surprised by our (well mostly my) secrecy. I am still terrified all the time waiting for the bad news to come. To tell the world out loud that we are pregnant and pregnant with twins would be the ultimate relinquishing of control, which is my biggest enemy to faith. If those words get said out loud, I cannot take them back, I cannot know the conversations that might take place away from my presence, and I cannot shake the feeling that I would be jinxing myself and these babies if I am honest.
We decided we were going to share our news on Thanksgiving....what more could we be thankful for?! It seemed like the perfect time. My grandma was going to be at our house and we could easily stop by Josh's grandma's where many of his aunts, uncles, and cousins would be gathering. I had accepted, despite my fear, that I could do this...I could announce this news.
A few days before Thanksgiving though....I had an incredible breakdown/freak out/full out basketcase moment/panic attack.
I allowed this crippling fear to overtake me, control me, and literally take me over. I have never been so overwhelmed by anxiety.
I wasn't ready!!!!! I couldn't do this!!!! I said over and over to my patient, amazing husband. I continued to choke these words out through enormous sobs.
I was a Thanksgiving Chicken.
I bargained with him that I would feel better if I just had one more doctor's appointment under my belt. He of course knows me and my basketcase brain well enough to answer, "Kristin, you will always need one more doctor's appointment."
He was right. I would continue to try to push this back and back and back.
I have to say as a disclaimer that I know deep down that telling more people is going to be amazing! The amount of people I know that have been praying for us, hoping for us, sending us positive thoughts and kind wishes our way is astounding. Those people deserve to share in our joy and we deserve to be joyous with them. We both have the most supportive wonderful families who would be nothing but ecstatic at this news.
I admit it, the devil won this time. He beat me. I allowed his poisonous thoughts to consume me. I robbed our families and ourselves of having one more thing to talk about being thankful for at this time of year.