Monday, January 28, 2013

9 weeks or 9 months? I'm confused...

Week of October 25th, 2012: 9 Weeks
I am a basketcase....a certified crazy basketcase...

I'm having a heck of a hard time not getting seen by a doctor this week. 
The most difficult part of leaving our last appointment (at 8 weeks) was knowing that we would not have another appointment until week 12.  This could bring tears to my eyes just thinking about it.  It will have been the longest we weren't seen by a doctor, unless we were on a break from medicine, in well over two years.  No ultrasounds, no reassurance, nothing.  Lord help me! 

This time is dragging by slower than I ever imagined time to drag. 

I'm constantly paranoid, constantly scared, constantly worried. 
I honestly think the biggest struggle is this fact...9 weeks is as long as I've ever made it pregnant. 

This realization, this fact, is haunting me day in and day out. to the point where I am not even sleeping well.

I don't know how "normal" pregnant people do this 9 month thing.

Please...PLEASE let everything be okay...I still have to wait 3 more weeks to find out for sure...

Keep praying...keep hoping...

Ultrasound #3

October 9th, 2012: 8 weeks
We are back at Lansing OBGYN for another checkup.  We were kinda sneaky and tried to play Sparrow and U of M so that we could see our babies and hear their heartbeats as often as possible during this early time especially since I had been bleeding in right before week 6.  This appointment, since we were just at U of M, was not technically necessary, but we kept it anyway..DUH! 

I have no family pictures to show because we didn't get to take any home at this appointment.  Josh and I aren't good at multitasking so we didn't even think to take our own picture while the ultrasound was up.  We just couldn't keep our eyes off of our babies :)  Both babies were still great and their heartbeats were in the 170s.  Again, they continue to grow so quickly looking like larger tadpoles now.   

Keep praying...keep hoping...

Ultrasound #2

October 4, 2012: 7 weeks, 3 days..
Conferences are this week.  Not exactly the best time to be extrememly terrified and worried every single second.  Although I can't "check" myself as often at school as I'd like, I know that after 3:30...I can go to the bathroom whenever and however often I want.  Conferences throw a wrench into that.  It's really hard to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes to an hour when you are seeing 18 parents back to back all night long.  It does, however, help time go by fast, which is a blessing in of itself. 

Finally, we got to go to Ann Abor this time to have another ultrasound. 

We pretended we didn't know it was twins so the doctors in Ann Abor could feel like they were telling us for the first time.  As much as I LOVE everything about the Center for Reproductive Medicine at UofM...I've gotten a lot of bad news at these ultrasounds so I couldn't help but freak out the entire drive down. 

The ultrasound went great!  Babies heartbeats were strong, and they looked like even a bigger gray dot than when we'd seen them last week.  In fact, they even had a little shape to them...they kinda looked like tadpoles.  I was waiting at the end through tears for them to ask me to schedule another appointment the next week.  Ann Arbor likes to see patients twice in a row to show growth before they turn you lose to your OBGYN.  When the doctor didn't say that to me, I asked about it.  She said, "nope, we don't need to see you anymore." 

Babies! :)


I left the room crying.  The secretaries asked to see pictures and wished me so much good luck.  I love that place. 

keep praying...keep hoping...

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Are You Lying Down?

September 27th: 6 weeks and 3 days...
Because of my bleeding Monday, our first ultrasound at Lansing OBGYN got moved up.  Although I don't like the reason, this was completely okay with me, as I would prefer to be seen by a doctor every single day during pregnancy!

Thankfully, I was not bleeding anymore.  After Mondays episode, the bleeding continued to slow down to a hault and quickly. 

In the waiting room, I could not have been more nervous or terrified.  I couldn't concentrate on the book I brought and was on the edge of tears/breakdown the entire wait. 

As I layed down on the ultrasound table, I noticed right away that the monitor was turned AWAY from Josh and I.  I was so not cool with that.  Don't get me wrong, I know why they do case the news is bad, they don't want you to see it first.  I am not what people would call a normal pregnancy case..hello?!  I can read ultrasounds in my sleep, I've had hundreds by now.  I'm much more comfortable with the 'shoot it to  me straight' model, which is mostly how Ann Abor does things.  They have never hid a screen from me, no matter what the circumstance.  I was not happy with Lansing OBGYN at that moment.

So here I am, panicked, worried, expecting the worst as the ultrasound tech fishes around inside of me.  

Words escape her lips "Are You Lying Down?"

My initial answer was going to be "DUH!" My intial thought was, okay, here comes the bad news...

She turned the screen to us and said, "THERE'S TWO BABIES!!!!!"


I looked for myself and sure enough...there were two little 6 week old gray spots on the their own little houses inside my uterus.  I had so many emotions at that point: shock (even know this is not out of the relm of possibilities given the medicine I was taking), excitement, fear (that always has to be in there with me), and above all....gratititude, appreciation, thankfulness, lucky.  Everything was okay, in fact, twice okay.

Josh was not surprised at all.  He said he'd been having a feeling there were two all along :)

We got to take a pictures home with us of our babIES.  I could not stop crying.  Thank. You. God.  

Our babies first picture :)

Baby A: Heartbeat of 125

Baby B: Heartbeat of 129

Keep praying....keep hoping... 

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Blood and Pregnancy are NOT Supposed to Mix

Monday September 24th...5 weeks and 6 days
I bled today.

I'm crazy and always think I'm bleeding so I go to the bathroom to 'check' as often as my job as teacher will allow.  Today though it was different and I knew for sure it was blood.  I actually left my students, who had just walked in and were getting prepared, to run down the hall to the nearest bathroom and checked.  I prayed and prayed and prayed my instinct was wrong, but it wasn't.  I was bleeding. 

Having a room full of kids who need you sobers you up real quick so I went back into my classroom and went about my day as normal for an hour until lunch.  I was able to see my teaching partner to whisper in her ear that I was bleeding and she immediately showed me that her arm was covered in goose bumps.  I raced straight to the bathroom again...still bleeding. 

Josh alerted the proper authorities (Ann Arbor and my OBGYN in Lansing) and I alerted everyone who knew we were pregnant and the next thing I knew, I was driving to go get more blood drawn on my lunch, barely able to process what had happened to me.  Not yet, not this time, please please no. 

I tried to make the rest of the day go by as fast and normal as I could and waited and waited to get my results back.  I felt very thankful for the people in my life that day because they didn't react how many would.  Most people would say things like, "everything is going to be okay"  People know better than to say those things to me because it HASN'T been okay.  The very small amount of people that knew I was pregnant offered prayers instead, which was perfect. 

My blood results came back and my beta was still increasing.  Now it was at 55,937.2.  Both Ann Arbor and Lansing OBGYN had a number of reasons why I could be bleeding: maybe left over hormonal overload from my medicine, slight pushing on uterus as it's growing, the loss of a multiple, etc.  They said we see it all the time, they said it could even be described as normal. 

That last one made me think about the way we educate people on pregnancy...
I was NEVER taught that bleeding during pregnancy was okay or that it happened on a fairly regular basis.  I was taught that blood and pregnancy do not mix.  Maybe we need to be a bit more explicit.   

Keep praying....keep hoping....


September 10th, 2012
So after much debate, worrying, and over analyzing, I decided to take my pregnancy test a day early.  Well really, in all honesty, about 12 hours early.  I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn't sleep and would end up getting up tine middle of the night to take it either way. 

My friend Corey gave me the last friendly shove I needed as I was leaving school so I stopped at CVS, and went home to do what you do when you take a pregnancy test.  Josh was on his way home. 

He walked in to me on the toilet showing him the test...




Each time I've been pregnant, my reaction has a little different, but there's one thing all three of them have in common...tears and lots of them. 

I felt like I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't stand it.  I was elated and terrified, joyful and nervous.  People want to already plan and scheme and dream, but my mind kept telling me that the bad news was only around the corner.  As sick as that is, statistically, that is true for me. 

I took another test and then another later and rushed to Sparrow at 6am the next morning to get my levels drawn.

Here's the breakdown so far...

September 11th: 548.8 Beta, 18.5 Progesterone (my biggest numbers yet to start...fingers crossed, fingers crossed...)
September 13th: 1,696.9 Beta, over 60 Progesterone (I was on a supplement by that point for progesterone)
September 15th: 3,968.5 Beta
September 17th: 7,818.8 Beta
September 19th: 16,487.0 Beta

On the days I wasn't getting my levels drawn, I was taking pregnancy tests..all positive!

Keep praying, keep hoping...

Friday, January 11, 2013

Strong Words from my Acupuncturist

September 4, 2012
So over the past two years, I have continued to realize the importance of words and word choice.  So many people have said offensive things to me about baby issues during this journey.  I know they haven't meant to be offensive or pushy or insensitive because they had no idea what was going on with me. 

I know that I've said things over the past 29 years that were offensive or pushy or insensitive because I've not known better also. 

There are so many things I will never think or say about anyone on the subject of baby making now that I'm more 'in the know'. 

I want to share something my acupuncturist said to me...

I had told her that I had an IUI on August 28th and would be able to take a pregnancy test in one week.

I was laying on the table about to get needled and she was taking my pulse.  She had the AUDACITY to utter these words.."ooooo, I think you're pregnant"

My initial reaction was to slap her across the face.  I'm sorry, you don't tell someone who's been trying to have a baby for two years that you think they're pregnant.  Many of us don't want false hope, don't want false excitement since we're used to bad news.  How on God's green earth could she tell I was pregnant by taking my pulse!?!?!!

Instead of slapping her, I inquired further as to what she meant.  She explained to me that when you first get pregnant, there is a stronger pulse somehow as you body is sending a lot of blood and nutrients down to that region of your body. She said she couldn't guarantee this pregnancy would stick, but she was pretty sure I at least had an egg and sperm fertilize.  "Maybe a chemical pregnancy if nothing else," she said. 

I told myself not to listen, told myself she was full of crap, but that little tiny candle that is my hope was flickering deep deep down, even if it was very little.  I hope she's right that little flicker whispered ever so slightly to me. 

We'll see.....truly only time will tell.