Sunday, October 28, 2012

October 29th

So it's been a long time since I've blogged.  I am feeling the pressure of work and life a lot more lately and have not felt like I've had anything enlightening to say.  I apologize for that.  I did, however, feel it was so necessary to give a nod to tomorrow.....the due date I was given for our second miscarriage.

For this baby, we have an ultrasound picture that I haven't brought myself to look at in a long time.  For this baby, my mother-in-law baked a cake with the date 'October 29th' written on it to have for dessert one day while we were all eating together to tell my brother and sister-in-law about the pregnancy.  I have a picture of that too....again, tucked away. 

After our miscarriage in early April and the TWO surgeries that followed, October 29th seemed like an eternity away, but here it is...tomorrow. 

I think having an actual due date even made this miscarriage harder than the first.  It's crazy how fresh the tears can be even after so many months. 

I know we won't know for a long time (God willing) or won't ever know why God needed this baby girl more than we did.

I continually try to look at both of my miscarriages with advice given to me by my mother.  In some ways, these babies were luckier than any others...they got to go straight to God, straight to heaven, straight to paradise. 

I'm not sure how Josh and I might decide to remember this day.  For our first baby, we decided to go on a real nice date, just him and I because the foundation of our family is the two of us and our love for one another.  Maybe we will choose to do the same...we'll see.  I know we will both find ourselves wishing we were holding a healthy term baby in our arms.   

One thing I knew for sure was that I felt like I needed to put it down in writing that tomorrow would have been  my due date and to put in writing how much I know that baby and our other miscarriage continues to watch over us and give us so much hope for the future and how much those babies were loved for the short time I had the pleasure to carry them. 

I hope this heals, teaches, and connects...