The Post that Started it all...


Somehow, "Guess what? I've had a miscarriage" doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same way that "Guess what? I'm pregnant" does.

The idea of creating a new life is big news, and a big deal, but losing a life is also just as big of news and definitely just as big a deal. 
When I was working at a Casting Crowns concert over the summer, the lead singer said something that I will always remember.  He mentioned that when people go through difficult things: addiction, death, abuse, etc, people don't always talk about them despite the fact those times are when people need support, love, understanding, and compassion the most in their lives. 
He said that this is when the devil works his greatest magic in our lives on earth. The devil makes us believe that through our silence, our shame, our embarrassment, our awkwardness of how to bring a conversation about these things up, this is when we feel as though no one else could possibly understand and no one else has ever gone through this.  This is when the devil makes us feel our most alone.  This is when he can plant a seed of loneliness in our hearts that can take a lifetime to heal. These words feel so true when I think about the journey Josh and I have been on for the past year and a half. 
We struggle with fertility...there I said it!
This journey has brought us to many, many, MANY doctor's appointments, in Lansing, Grand Rapids, and Ann Arbor, pricking, prodding, and more medicine than you can imagine. It has been a year and a half of bad news and setbacks. But it has also been a year and a half that has allowed me to have the honor to be pregnant two times.  Unfortunately, neither pregnancy has produced the healthy, full term baby or babies that we've been praying for. 
Our first miscarriage occurred two days after my brother died. I was about 4.5 weeks pregnant. 
Currently we have just received news on Monday that our 8 week old pregnancy will not survive much longer and that I could miscarry at any time. 
Both of these involved so many different circumstances that the only comparison I can make is that I got pregnant twice and won't be able to stay that way, twice. 
I will not allow anyone, especially Satan himself, to make me feel that I am alone.  I will not be embarrassed, ashamed, or feel awkward about my situation. 
 I write this not for pity, not for praise of my strength, but because I know there are so many out there who are in my situation or who have been there and it's time those connections start being made.  It's time that people start sharing in their difficult times so that God's compassion, love, and understanding can reign supreme over the loneliness.        
 In addition, I hope me being honest about my struggles might help someone else be honest too. To not be afraid and to let the people who care about you most in life to help you through any difficult times, including the struggle so many have to have a baby. 
I also write this in hopes that those of you who have children at home can hold them just a little tighter tonight knowing what a truly miraculous thing that occur ed when that precious life was born.  There is so much stacked up against that tiny life throughout those nine months and I have more appreciation for the miracle of life as I've ever had.
In my classroom, I use Mahatma Ghandi's words to "BE the change you wish to see in the world."  To not just talk about things you'd like to see be different, but to DO something about it.  I am merely trying to live what I teach in my real life by 'being' the change myself through my words today.
I know Josh and I will be parents someday, hopefully to many children, but we're just not sure when.  I know a lot of people are praying for that right along with us, to which we are extremely grateful.  A lot of what has happened to us seems unfair, seems unjust, seems wrong, but I know there is a big plan for both of us and it's not on my timetable and it's not by my rules.
Don't let Satan and his loneliness win out: share, reach out, let people help you through difficult times.
Thanks for reading.         

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