COVID-19 Home Life: Week Two
My family has been staying home and staying safe for 16 days. My kids are into this new routine we've built, people are doing some learning, things are getting done. We are reading, we are doing math, we are journaling, we are doing art, we are doing science, we are learning about the world. We are going outside, a lot.
None of these things are without struggle and frustration, fun and accomplishment.
All of these things are consuming my entire day and most evenings.
This week, week two, was hard. For whatever reason, I was quite manic in my mental state.
There were a couple of days were I was really in the moment, really enjoying the time with my sons, feeling like we were grooving, feeling like I was being successful. We did a science experiment with soap that was a huge hit, built an awesome snowman, wrote cards to family members, spent a Free-Write Friday writing super silly stories, played some games that we loved, clapped as Preston learned new words, started a new read-aloud we are all excited about. I also shared many virtual happy moments with friends and family.
There were also a couple of days that were complete dumpster fires. I have never used those words before until recently, but now I don't know how I functioned without them. Sometimes a dumpster fire is the best way to describe a day. Saying it was difficult or bad or challenging doesn't get at the complete disarray, or drama, or chaos that only a dumpster fire can articulate. Things I had planned were a complete flop, kids were arguing too much, my patience was thin. Honestly thought, so much of these dumpster fire days, truly, were directly connected to MY mental state.
Wednesday was one of those days. For some reason, the weight of all of this really got to me. The no-end-in-sight felt overwhelming and insurmountable and seemingly impossibly to bear. The worrying about my family, our country, the world pushed down hard. I was on the brink of tears all morning- I could feel it. My energy was low, my heart wasn't present in the time with my kids. I tried to rally all day, but just couldn't. I felt truly in despair.
Now to be fair, my family was fine, we were all safe. I know many, MANY out there have worse situations, more worries, more hardship at this time than I do. I know that. Perspective is important.
However, that does not take away from the feelings I had in that moment that were real. As I am trying to live more IN my feelings, whatever they are, and not trying to merely get over them, I was really in-tune with how horrible I felt.
Finally, in the afternoon, I went for a run. I have been consistently exercising since January, but running isn't something I've done in at least 6 months. I didn't know what else to do though, a walk didn't feel aggressive enough and I didn't want to spin because then I would've had to stay at my house. I needed to literally run away from everything for a minute.
This has never happened to me before, but while I ran, I cried. A good cry always makes me feel better and I knew it had been a'brewin all day so I let it happen. I ran passed Nolan and Judah's school and Carter's preschool and cried. I ran passed empty playgrounds and cried. I ran passed neighbor's houses- people I love so dearly and cannot hug and cried. I ran passed kids playing outside, kids my sons can't play with right now, and cried. Then, when I couldn't run anymore, I sat on my driveway and cried some more.
My boys could tell I was having a hard time. I could see the worried look on Josh's face and how there were moments my sons have had to walk on egg shells around me knowing I was cracking. Carter has asked me so many times how my day was going or if I'm feeling better. Nolan asked me one night at bedtime if I was worrying about a lot of things and I told him that yes, I was. He asked if I wanted to share any of those with him and I cried once again seeing our rolls be reversed in that moment. I am always the one wanting him to share worries with me, so he can unload on me. Judah has been extra snuggly and clingy. I hate that I made them concerned, but am so grateful for their kindness and compassion. It is real life that not everything is good and positive all the time.
I have so much on my mind right now; I know you all do too. We are all trying to balance jobs and worries and parenting and making a nice positive home for our kids during this incredibly uncertain and difficult time. This is really freaking hard, this staying at home, staying away, staying safe thing.
I have hope that I'll have more smiles than frowns during our days next week. I have hope that what we are doing, these drastic changes we are making in our lives, are working. I have hope mother nature will bring us more sunlight and more warmth because that would make all of this just a little bit easier. And I have hope that my four babies know how lucky they are to be currently safe and healthy in their home.
I am thinking of all of you- please find ways to take care of yourself through all of this. That is something I need to drastically improve upon so I can be a better wife and mom.
And we keep going because it's the right thing to do- onward!
None of these things are without struggle and frustration, fun and accomplishment.
All of these things are consuming my entire day and most evenings.
This week, week two, was hard. For whatever reason, I was quite manic in my mental state.
There were a couple of days were I was really in the moment, really enjoying the time with my sons, feeling like we were grooving, feeling like I was being successful. We did a science experiment with soap that was a huge hit, built an awesome snowman, wrote cards to family members, spent a Free-Write Friday writing super silly stories, played some games that we loved, clapped as Preston learned new words, started a new read-aloud we are all excited about. I also shared many virtual happy moments with friends and family.
There were also a couple of days that were complete dumpster fires. I have never used those words before until recently, but now I don't know how I functioned without them. Sometimes a dumpster fire is the best way to describe a day. Saying it was difficult or bad or challenging doesn't get at the complete disarray, or drama, or chaos that only a dumpster fire can articulate. Things I had planned were a complete flop, kids were arguing too much, my patience was thin. Honestly thought, so much of these dumpster fire days, truly, were directly connected to MY mental state.
Wednesday was one of those days. For some reason, the weight of all of this really got to me. The no-end-in-sight felt overwhelming and insurmountable and seemingly impossibly to bear. The worrying about my family, our country, the world pushed down hard. I was on the brink of tears all morning- I could feel it. My energy was low, my heart wasn't present in the time with my kids. I tried to rally all day, but just couldn't. I felt truly in despair.
Now to be fair, my family was fine, we were all safe. I know many, MANY out there have worse situations, more worries, more hardship at this time than I do. I know that. Perspective is important.
However, that does not take away from the feelings I had in that moment that were real. As I am trying to live more IN my feelings, whatever they are, and not trying to merely get over them, I was really in-tune with how horrible I felt.
Finally, in the afternoon, I went for a run. I have been consistently exercising since January, but running isn't something I've done in at least 6 months. I didn't know what else to do though, a walk didn't feel aggressive enough and I didn't want to spin because then I would've had to stay at my house. I needed to literally run away from everything for a minute.
This has never happened to me before, but while I ran, I cried. A good cry always makes me feel better and I knew it had been a'brewin all day so I let it happen. I ran passed Nolan and Judah's school and Carter's preschool and cried. I ran passed empty playgrounds and cried. I ran passed neighbor's houses- people I love so dearly and cannot hug and cried. I ran passed kids playing outside, kids my sons can't play with right now, and cried. Then, when I couldn't run anymore, I sat on my driveway and cried some more.
My boys could tell I was having a hard time. I could see the worried look on Josh's face and how there were moments my sons have had to walk on egg shells around me knowing I was cracking. Carter has asked me so many times how my day was going or if I'm feeling better. Nolan asked me one night at bedtime if I was worrying about a lot of things and I told him that yes, I was. He asked if I wanted to share any of those with him and I cried once again seeing our rolls be reversed in that moment. I am always the one wanting him to share worries with me, so he can unload on me. Judah has been extra snuggly and clingy. I hate that I made them concerned, but am so grateful for their kindness and compassion. It is real life that not everything is good and positive all the time.
I have so much on my mind right now; I know you all do too. We are all trying to balance jobs and worries and parenting and making a nice positive home for our kids during this incredibly uncertain and difficult time. This is really freaking hard, this staying at home, staying away, staying safe thing.
I have hope that I'll have more smiles than frowns during our days next week. I have hope that what we are doing, these drastic changes we are making in our lives, are working. I have hope mother nature will bring us more sunlight and more warmth because that would make all of this just a little bit easier. And I have hope that my four babies know how lucky they are to be currently safe and healthy in their home.
I am thinking of all of you- please find ways to take care of yourself through all of this. That is something I need to drastically improve upon so I can be a better wife and mom.
And we keep going because it's the right thing to do- onward!
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