My Therapist Told Me to Make a Mistake... On Purpose

Mistakes are tricky for me. 

I know I make hundreds of them a day. But, I work tirelessly, to the point of exhaustion, to prevent myself from making them. Mistakes are where our greatest learning and unlearning takes place, which makes them extremely necessary. However, when I make mistakes, I'm simultaneously tearing myself down to shreds while learning and unlearning. I outwardly embrace mistake making, encourage it both to my own children and the students I've served. Inwardly, though, the thought of possibly making a mistake makes me nervous and sometimes downright terrified. 

I am working on my complicated relationship with mistakes and failures in therapy. I have been reacquainted with why this tricky relationship exists, where it came from, and what triggers it. I'm slowly working on how to sit with the feelings that making a mistake bring to me... uncomfortable ones of sadness and failure. Finally, I am learning how I can help myself feel better and move on, mistakes and failures in all. Last week, my therapist gave me 'homework.' She said, "Kristin- I want you to make a mistake on purpose this week." Say what now?! She further explained that because I have been avoiding the uncomfortable feelings that come from mistake-making for literally my entire life, my actions are automatic. I prepare, I worry, I plan out, I overthink, I add stress, just so I can avoid and push away the possibility that I may fail miserably because I am so horrible to myself when I do that. I don't even think these strategies- I just do them. She let me know that I needed to purposefully NOT prepare, NOT plan, NOT overthink. Just let something happen to me, intentionally, that I wasn't ready for. Mess up. I was immediately uncomfortable, which is exactly why this was the exact 'homework' I needed. 

Mistakes and Me

Elbert Hubbard once said, "The greatest mistake a man can make is being afraid of making one." Gosh does this resonate with me. It needs to be said that this isn't a new thing for me- this whole trickiness about making mistakes. My entire life I've been conflicted about mistakes. Knowing on one hand the importance of them, how incredibly normal they are, and what a beautiful part of life they are. And then feeling, on the other, that my soul, the core of who I am, doesn't accept mistakes. Being a recovering or struggling perfectionist makes mistake-making hard. It's not about how others may react to my mistake (although that plays a small part). It's how I react to my own mistakes inside my brain. I am unkind and judgemental- harder on myself than I'll ever fully admit.   

During some parts of my life, I have had great coping mechanisms in place to support me in being truly at peace with who I am and what I do, mistakes and failures in all. However, I have not been handling the stress and the weight of trying to do everything right every moment of every day very well in the last couple of years. This, of course, has been magnified and on steroids during this pandemic. I am honestly exhausted and heavy all the time with the weight of worry and stress because of all the unknown and change this pandemic has brought. 

"On Purpose" Mistakes 

I moved onward, open and willing to make some "on purpose" mistakes. Again, I need to emphasize that I know I likely make hundreds of mistakes a day. These "on purpose" mistakes were different because I was honing in on them with extreme awareness and laser focus. I made a few of them throughout the week. What the mistakes were doesn't matter. I tried to make ones I knew would really bother me like being very unprepared for something that I am usually overly prepared for, for example. What matters, is how I felt leading up to and while making the mistake and what I did about it. 

Leading up to and during the mistake were uncomfortable to say the least. I was nervous and scared with also a lot of feelings of guilt. The mistake was on my mind a lot- mostly thinking about what I should or could be doing instead. I wondered how my mistake might effect others, what would happen next. Lordy, my mind was busy. My acknowledgement of all the thoughts swirling my brain was important- I am going to do this thinking no matter what, it is who I am at my core of being.

Self Talk

The most critical part for me during these "on purpose" mistakes, wasn't necessarily the worries and thoughts that came with making the mistake, but what my self-talk was going to be. 

What I didn't do was allow myself, within my head, to tear myself down. Not this time. In my heightened awareness, I let the feelings of failure, guilt, nerves, and shame exist in me. I welcomed them, sat with them, acknowledged them. Then, I built myself back up. 

• It's okay that you weren't ready for that situation- you were playing with your kids instead. Remember how fun that was?
• Who cares if you didn't know the answer? Someone filled you in and now you know. You thanked them with a sincere compliment. 
• You worried less about a piece you were missing for a project than you normally would- YAHOO TO YOU! 
• I noticed that you didn't prepare for that deadline until it was really close and you still got everything done.

And finally,

• That felt really horrible, feeling like you dropped the ball or weren't ready or didn't know. And you know what? Nothing happened. Everything is okay. You are okay.

 These are the words I give freely to everyone around me, but never to myself.

I Am Okay

The points of all this is that being motivated to do everything "right" all the time has worked really well in many aspects of my life. I am organized, prepared, thoughtful, and give 10000% to everything I ever do. However, chasing the completely unattainable goal of "rightness" (sometimes called perfection) is exhausting, overwhelming, heavy, and self-deprecating. It can also be a complete distraction away from the things that really matter and a coverup from dealing with hard things and hard feelings.

Right now, being kinder to myself in the midst of mistake or failure or screw up is not my automatic response. Going through this whole exercise of making a purposeful mistake and giving myself grace feels a little fake, like I'm pretending, acting. However, with practice and intentionality, this acting can become a strategy that can become a habit. I know this. I've got to get to a place where it's okay to falter or fall completely on my freaking face with blunder.

I am okay when I succeed. I am okay when I fail miserably. I am okay when I place more importance on being present than being prepared. It can all be okay as it is.

I am okay as me.