Monday, March 16, 2015

I'm So Excited, and I Just Can't Hide it... Even if I Want to

Start of 2nd Trimester: 13 Weeks: October 19th, 2014

As the first trimester comes to a close, I was thinking about the differences and similarities between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Nolan and Judah.  So far in this pregnancy, things were very similar to when I was pregnant with Nolan and Judah.  My cravings were similar: cheese (especially Mac N' Cheese this time).  I went through an incredibly tired period around 11-12 weeks where I could barely make it up to when the boys went to bed and I napped almost every time they took their second nap, and, of course, I was fairly terrified, all the time.

There were two differences I can note, which were a bit surprising to me considering this pregnancy I only have one baby in there instead of two: I have been more nauseous and much bigger.   

The nauseous thing has been okay for the most part.  As I wrote about when I was pregnant with N & J, I actually like being sick and nauseous; it makes me feel like things are working and is about one of the only signs I can hold on to for dear life that a baby is growing in there appropriately.  I've had to be a little picky about food certainly, have had to walk away from meals while they were happening, definitely, and have been completely unable to drink my protein shakes that I drank every single day for the last half of my pregnancy with the boys.

The being bigger thing has been a bit more of a struggle mostly because I want to keep my pregnancy a secret for a long while.

I have to back up for a second to explain this. 

I don't keep pregnancies a secret from close family and friends.
I don't keep pregnancies a secret from the rest of the world because I have trust issues or think that people will be negative or cruel.

The reason I'd rather not tell mostly anyone that I'm pregnant is 100% because of 'my crazy.'  Ya'll know about her.  I've realized over time that I have a HUGE jinx issue: the more I have to actually TELL people the words 'I'm pregnant,' the more I think I'm jinxing myself.  Listen, I know this is nuts, okay?  Say what you will about me and 'my crazy,' but I understand myself and am incredibly self-aware.  I am not in denial at how silly that is.

'My crazy' also interferes with the way I interact with people once they know I'm pregnant.  I get all weird and awkward and don't want to answer questions.  Again, it's not because I don't trust, it's not because I don't WANT people to be excited for me, but it's the jinx thing.  If I talk about due dates or plans or colors of nurseries, I feel like I am slowly making this pregnancy not work out. 

In my most perfect world I would either:
a.) Wear a maternity shirt, have my belly stick out so much that you would never doubt I was pregnant, and have you make your own assumptions without me having to say a word... if I don't have to say anything I'm not jinxing anything, you see. 
OR
b.) Not say anything until I have a baby to SHOW you.  Like, "Hey, guess what?! I had a baby!  Here he/she is!"   No jinxing once baby is actually here in my arms!


Because I am also a control freak, I like to have to control over whatever I can while I'm pregnant since it isn't much... when and how I tell people, however, is something I can control so I think I hold on tight to that too. 

Needless to say, here I was at the beginning of second trimester:
Hello second trimester! 
"Hiding" my pregnancy until I was ready to be out with it was NOT easy this time.  I was in maternity jeans super early and was essentially wearing potato sacks each time I went out in public.  That means a lot of vests, big scarfs, and shirts that were either way too big for me or specifically designed NOT to hug the belly region. 
 I thought I was doing a great job, but once I did officially come out, which was in November around 16 weeks, about 4-5 weeks earlier than I had wanted to, but sweet Lord I couldn't hide it anymore no matter WHAT I wore, I came to find out I didn't hide it as well as I thought :)  
How big my belly was when I finally 'came out'
When you teach with women, most of whom are in their child-bearing years, it appears you can't hide pregnancy very well.  Most of the colleagues I work with came up to me after announcing telling me they had known for a while and were just waiting until I was ready to share ;)  Oh well, I tried :)  My sixth graders, God bless them, were so polite the day I came out (I wore a maternity shirt and my belly was a hanging out there). I forgot to tell them as we got going on our day and no one asked me about it until 3:00pm when I student finally said, "okay Mrs. Hundt, are you pregnant or what?"  I started laughing and said, "oh yeah, I forgot about that, I am." 

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