An Ode to this Roller Coaster we Call Parenting
I woke up from a restless sleep to see that I had been given a snow day. As a teacher, snow days are such a gift. They are the gift of time- extra time at home, extra time with your family, extra time to get caught up, extra time to sleep, etc.
As a part time teacher, snow days have taken on a different meaning for me. While still the gift of extra time with my boys, they make me fall short of what I needed to accomplish before my teaching partner takes over. Also, in the case of this year so far, I've been the only one given this gift of snow days, which will make me owe time later, which gets tricky while balancing child care.
Even though I was frustrated with all I wasn't going to get done at work when the snow day was called, I knew I would feel a lot better when I went in to announce to Nolan and Judah that Mommy would be home today with them instead of at work. They always jump up and down and get huge smiles on their faces, which helps me feel grateful for the gift of extra time.
I tiptoed out of our bedroom to meet them in the hallway and said, "Guess what?!" Pause for dramatic effect, "I GOT A SNOW DAY!" And then stood with a grin, eyes lit up, waiting for all the jumping and hugging and excitement to commense.
It did not.
In fact, what I got was giant tears and wailing from Nolan when his reaction was, "That means Papa isn't coming?! I wanted Papa to come" Sobs, sobs, more sobs. He was inconsolable. He kept mentioning over and over how much sad he was Papa wouldn't be here and how much he wanted to spend the whole day with him, not me.
Cue all the warm fuzzies.
I will admit that I was actually crushed and my feelings were super hurt. So much so that I needed to retreat back into the bedroom to have a really good cry. Now I was behind in my work AND no one at my house wanted me around either. Sheesh.
Don't get me wrong, it was I love that my kids love their grandparents- we are very lucky how much they look forward to and enjoy time with my parents and Josh's parents and how close we live to them so they can see all four of them often. None of that helped my bruised ego.
A few minutes later, Josh came into the room to console me, understanding how much that interaction hurt my feelings. He tried, so kindly, to reassure me- reminding me how much Nolan loves me, how his favorite thing about the day before was when I was watching him dance around the house. He was right, of course, but I was still pretty low.
After he left, I reflected on how crazy this roller coaster of parenting is. You have such ups and such downs. You can be filled with such disappointment one minute and pride that will leave you speechless the next. You can feel like a super hero and a villain in a matter of seconds. You can feel like a supreme success and supreme failure many times within a given day, within a given hour. Their are big dips, stomach-flipping drops, loops, and spins that will make you dizzy. It is quite manic- parenting.
I know my kids are going to hurt my feelings- I know that, I really do. It's already happened and will continue to happen. I also know they love me, very, very much. But in that moment, I couldn't help but question some things. Wouldn't Nolan know that would make me sad? Haven't I taught him to think of others before speaking? About empathy? Am I that un-fun? Do I spend too much time asking them to clean up instead of playing? I was questioning everything- where in the world did I go wrong in this situation? I was only trying to light them up, which would've lit me up.
My door creaked open again, more slowly this time.
I heard, "Mommy? Are you asleep?" It was Nolan.
He walked slowly over to my side of the bed- Josh a few steps behind him. I sat up and looked at him waiting for what might be next.
Josh began, "Nolan has a couple of things for you- he's been telling me quite a bit downstairs how badly he feels for hurting your feelings and making you think he didn't want to spend today with you."
"I wrote you a note and drew your a picture with your favorite colors," Nolan said bringing pieces of paper into view from behind his back. "Can you read the note I wrote for you?" He handed me one of the papers. On it was a note in Josh's handwriting with Nolan's signature.
I read the words above out loud in that lumpy broken voice when tears are coming. Then he handed me the picture filled with mostly purple (my favorite color) but also pink (my second favorite).
Josh assured me, several times, that he had nothing to do with this- these papers were not his idea, but Nolan's.
Nolan and I hugged for a long time and I let him know how much better this made me feel and how much I appreciated his kindness.
Just twenty minutes before, I was questioning so much of my parenting. Thinking I had screwed up big time if my kid would rather not spend time with me and could find words to hurt me that badly. Now, I was... touched, deeply touched. So proud, so impressed, so in awe of this little kind-hearted being who knew he may have made someone sad and worked so hard to make it better. I needed to have a good cry again, but for a completely different reason. This little human is incredible and he is mine.
Again, such a roller coaster and it wasn't even 7:15 in the morning yet.
I had gone from such a low to SUCH a high. I knew the rest of the day wouldn't be perfect- there would be more highs, like when we pretended we were in Cancun and went swimming in the bathtub, when Judah went from one side of the couch to the other just to snuggle with me, when Carter said he missed me while he was at school yesterday, and Nolan showered me with kisses. I knew there'd be some lows too- when the boys took FOREVER to get dressed, when they disagreed and tears were shed, when Carter knocked over an awesome Magnitiles tower built by Nolan and Judah, when we were arguing about how much carrot needed to be eaten during dinner.
This parenting is such a ride.
Bottom line- I need to keep trusting my instincts, putting in the time, boundaries, and consistency, and showing these boys an extreme amount of love, patience, compassion, and understanding. The parenting roller coaster is an extreme ride, but so worth it.
As a part time teacher, snow days have taken on a different meaning for me. While still the gift of extra time with my boys, they make me fall short of what I needed to accomplish before my teaching partner takes over. Also, in the case of this year so far, I've been the only one given this gift of snow days, which will make me owe time later, which gets tricky while balancing child care.
Even though I was frustrated with all I wasn't going to get done at work when the snow day was called, I knew I would feel a lot better when I went in to announce to Nolan and Judah that Mommy would be home today with them instead of at work. They always jump up and down and get huge smiles on their faces, which helps me feel grateful for the gift of extra time.
I tiptoed out of our bedroom to meet them in the hallway and said, "Guess what?!" Pause for dramatic effect, "I GOT A SNOW DAY!" And then stood with a grin, eyes lit up, waiting for all the jumping and hugging and excitement to commense.
It did not.
In fact, what I got was giant tears and wailing from Nolan when his reaction was, "That means Papa isn't coming?! I wanted Papa to come" Sobs, sobs, more sobs. He was inconsolable. He kept mentioning over and over how much sad he was Papa wouldn't be here and how much he wanted to spend the whole day with him, not me.
Cue all the warm fuzzies.
I will admit that I was actually crushed and my feelings were super hurt. So much so that I needed to retreat back into the bedroom to have a really good cry. Now I was behind in my work AND no one at my house wanted me around either. Sheesh.
Don't get me wrong, it was I love that my kids love their grandparents- we are very lucky how much they look forward to and enjoy time with my parents and Josh's parents and how close we live to them so they can see all four of them often. None of that helped my bruised ego.
A few minutes later, Josh came into the room to console me, understanding how much that interaction hurt my feelings. He tried, so kindly, to reassure me- reminding me how much Nolan loves me, how his favorite thing about the day before was when I was watching him dance around the house. He was right, of course, but I was still pretty low.
After he left, I reflected on how crazy this roller coaster of parenting is. You have such ups and such downs. You can be filled with such disappointment one minute and pride that will leave you speechless the next. You can feel like a super hero and a villain in a matter of seconds. You can feel like a supreme success and supreme failure many times within a given day, within a given hour. Their are big dips, stomach-flipping drops, loops, and spins that will make you dizzy. It is quite manic- parenting.
I know my kids are going to hurt my feelings- I know that, I really do. It's already happened and will continue to happen. I also know they love me, very, very much. But in that moment, I couldn't help but question some things. Wouldn't Nolan know that would make me sad? Haven't I taught him to think of others before speaking? About empathy? Am I that un-fun? Do I spend too much time asking them to clean up instead of playing? I was questioning everything- where in the world did I go wrong in this situation? I was only trying to light them up, which would've lit me up.
My door creaked open again, more slowly this time.
I heard, "Mommy? Are you asleep?" It was Nolan.
He walked slowly over to my side of the bed- Josh a few steps behind him. I sat up and looked at him waiting for what might be next.
Josh began, "Nolan has a couple of things for you- he's been telling me quite a bit downstairs how badly he feels for hurting your feelings and making you think he didn't want to spend today with you."
"I wrote you a note and drew your a picture with your favorite colors," Nolan said bringing pieces of paper into view from behind his back. "Can you read the note I wrote for you?" He handed me one of the papers. On it was a note in Josh's handwriting with Nolan's signature.
I read the words above out loud in that lumpy broken voice when tears are coming. Then he handed me the picture filled with mostly purple (my favorite color) but also pink (my second favorite).
Josh assured me, several times, that he had nothing to do with this- these papers were not his idea, but Nolan's.
Nolan and I hugged for a long time and I let him know how much better this made me feel and how much I appreciated his kindness.
Just twenty minutes before, I was questioning so much of my parenting. Thinking I had screwed up big time if my kid would rather not spend time with me and could find words to hurt me that badly. Now, I was... touched, deeply touched. So proud, so impressed, so in awe of this little kind-hearted being who knew he may have made someone sad and worked so hard to make it better. I needed to have a good cry again, but for a completely different reason. This little human is incredible and he is mine.
Again, such a roller coaster and it wasn't even 7:15 in the morning yet.
I had gone from such a low to SUCH a high. I knew the rest of the day wouldn't be perfect- there would be more highs, like when we pretended we were in Cancun and went swimming in the bathtub, when Judah went from one side of the couch to the other just to snuggle with me, when Carter said he missed me while he was at school yesterday, and Nolan showered me with kisses. I knew there'd be some lows too- when the boys took FOREVER to get dressed, when they disagreed and tears were shed, when Carter knocked over an awesome Magnitiles tower built by Nolan and Judah, when we were arguing about how much carrot needed to be eaten during dinner.
This parenting is such a ride.
Bottom line- I need to keep trusting my instincts, putting in the time, boundaries, and consistency, and showing these boys an extreme amount of love, patience, compassion, and understanding. The parenting roller coaster is an extreme ride, but so worth it.
Love this post, love you, and love your family! ������
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