Kindergarten: to Separate or Not to Separate
Planning for Nolan and Judah's kindergarten life seemed to start such a long time ago. I remember, when they were very little infants, thinking about sending them off to school one day.
I can imagine this thinking happened in the middle of the night one time when I was up nursing two humans or walking Nolan back and forth in the basement because that was the only way he'd stay quiet or rocking Judah in a chair very very early in the morning. There's not much else to do in those moments except think inside your head- too dark to read and we didn't DARE turn on a TV because of the noise or surf around on a phone because the light might wake someone up so you just thought...
I probably cried while thinking about their first day of kindergarten knowing that it would be here so quickly, but also feeling so grateful to even be able to think like that at all. After having two miscarriages, I never planned for the future while pregnant- it was too scary, too risky (#mycrazy).
My biggest thoughts were about their relationship as twins- what their dynamic would be like, how they would get along and whether or not they'd start school together, in the same class, or not.
As the years passed, I continued thinking about that- the 'together or separate' thing. I asked other twin moms, consulted teachers, talked to Josh a lot about it, and made what felt like firm decisions several times continuing to change my mind. I'd talk with one person and come away being SURE they should be in the same class and then talk with someone else and be SURE they should be separated. The closer kindergarten came, the more people asked me, in polite conversation, what I was going to do. That even made me more confused as many more people weighed in with their opinions.
Those who thought my boys should stay together would make strong points such as..
Those who thought my boys should be in separate classes made some pretty great points too:
We were in quite a pickle.
Because my brain often goes to the negative scenarios first, each choice felt risky. What if we kept them together and their dynamic changed for the bad?! What if we separate and they have such a hard time adjusting to school?!
When it came down to the decision of separating or not separating, I had to realize two things.
1. My decision to keep them together were mostly selfish- It would no doubt be easier for ME if they stayed together. Full-time school was going to be new to me too- I was going to have to adjust to a lot of things, I was going to have a new baby at home, but still wanted to involved and present during their kindergarten experience so of COURSE dealing with one teacher was easier for ME.
2. I needed to take my mom hat off and put my teacher hat on- I could tell Nolan and Judah's preschool teacher was strongly pushing they go separate (in that nice way teachers deliver a recommendation) AND the kindergarten teachers said they haven't had twins together in many years- it is their general policy to separate. These people know what they are doing and are experts at their craft. I want parents to trust my judgment as a teacher and I needed to give that same support, now, as a parent myself.
Once I was able to reflect on these two things, I knew separating was the call we needed to make.
When we told the boys, they were completely fine- they knew they'd be sad sometimes not having their brother near them at all times, and they are. They also knew they'd be okay, and they are.
I am mostly okay too ;)
I've been very happy with the amount of time they are able to spend time together (two recesses and lunch) and happiest at how excited they are every time they see each other even if it's only for a second as they pass each other in the hallway.
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| Sleeping together just a few days old |
I can imagine this thinking happened in the middle of the night one time when I was up nursing two humans or walking Nolan back and forth in the basement because that was the only way he'd stay quiet or rocking Judah in a chair very very early in the morning. There's not much else to do in those moments except think inside your head- too dark to read and we didn't DARE turn on a TV because of the noise or surf around on a phone because the light might wake someone up so you just thought...
I probably cried while thinking about their first day of kindergarten knowing that it would be here so quickly, but also feeling so grateful to even be able to think like that at all. After having two miscarriages, I never planned for the future while pregnant- it was too scary, too risky (#mycrazy).
My biggest thoughts were about their relationship as twins- what their dynamic would be like, how they would get along and whether or not they'd start school together, in the same class, or not.
As the years passed, I continued thinking about that- the 'together or separate' thing. I asked other twin moms, consulted teachers, talked to Josh a lot about it, and made what felt like firm decisions several times continuing to change my mind. I'd talk with one person and come away being SURE they should be in the same class and then talk with someone else and be SURE they should be separated. The closer kindergarten came, the more people asked me, in polite conversation, what I was going to do. That even made me more confused as many more people weighed in with their opinions.
Those who thought my boys should stay together would make strong points such as..
- They have an advantage most people don't get, they already have a friend and support system! Kindergarten is a big transition, why not use every advantage you have?
- Maybe don't keep them together forever, but when they are still young, why not?!
- Nolan is such a worrier, wouldn't it make things so much easier for him to have Judah by his side?
- If they stay together, it will be so much easier for YOU- only one field trip to go on, only one classroom to volunteer in, only one set of expectations, homework, etc.
Those who thought my boys should be in separate classes made some pretty great points too:
- Kindergarten is such a big year socially- if your boys are together, they will be perfectly content hanging out together as others are making new friends and new connections.
- Nolan and Judah both could benefit from standing on their own a little--- Judah is always there to help Nolan when he's anxious and Nolan is always there to speak for Judah and help him academically. They both can shine so brightly on their own and they should.
- If you are going to separate them eventually anyway, why not just do it right from the beginning?
- Kindergarten has common experiences- it shouldn't feel too different from one teacher to the next.
We were in quite a pickle.
Because my brain often goes to the negative scenarios first, each choice felt risky. What if we kept them together and their dynamic changed for the bad?! What if we separate and they have such a hard time adjusting to school?!
When it came down to the decision of separating or not separating, I had to realize two things.
1. My decision to keep them together were mostly selfish- It would no doubt be easier for ME if they stayed together. Full-time school was going to be new to me too- I was going to have to adjust to a lot of things, I was going to have a new baby at home, but still wanted to involved and present during their kindergarten experience so of COURSE dealing with one teacher was easier for ME.
2. I needed to take my mom hat off and put my teacher hat on- I could tell Nolan and Judah's preschool teacher was strongly pushing they go separate (in that nice way teachers deliver a recommendation) AND the kindergarten teachers said they haven't had twins together in many years- it is their general policy to separate. These people know what they are doing and are experts at their craft. I want parents to trust my judgment as a teacher and I needed to give that same support, now, as a parent myself.
Once I was able to reflect on these two things, I knew separating was the call we needed to make.
When we told the boys, they were completely fine- they knew they'd be sad sometimes not having their brother near them at all times, and they are. They also knew they'd be okay, and they are.
I am mostly okay too ;)
I've been very happy with the amount of time they are able to spend time together (two recesses and lunch) and happiest at how excited they are every time they see each other even if it's only for a second as they pass each other in the hallway.
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| This is what happens pretty much every time they see each other! |
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