To the Baby of the Family During This Pandemic

Dear Baby of the Family,

I miss you terribly right now. 

As a parent, when you know your littlest is also your last, you hold onto everything with a firm love grip. You know it's the last crawl, the last middle of the night feedings, the last first smile or laugh or word. Babyhood and toddler life slip farther away with every passing day. There is no next time around. 

The last baby gets a few perks that maybe other siblings don't get- more alone time, more one-on-one, and the attention from a parent who is watching everything with eyes wide open as if not to miss a single thing. Oldest children get all the shock and awe- everything is new, often times surprising. With the youngest, you anticipate, you get ready, you don't want anything to pass by without you taking in every part of it. 

If things were BC (before Covid), my littlest would have his mama to himself for some blocks of time- while one older brother was at preschool for a couple of hours and other two brothers were at elementary school. We could run errands, head to Impression 5, take stroller rides, and play with whatever HE wanted from toys that HE chose. 

Instead, in our DC (during Covid) life, our baby is sometimes seemingly raising himself. He plays with what is out, hops on my lap while I am helping an older brother add details to writing or solving a math problem, and sneaks in snuggles where he can get them in between the chaos of the day. I am often guilty at the attention he isn't getting. 

Sometimes, I'll look at him, joyfully following his brothers around and inserting himself into their play knowing, with sadness, what could have been for us. Other times, I'll lay him down for bed reflecting that we hardly spent any time together that day and it's heartbreaking for me. I pray he doesn't notice, that the extra time he is getting with his brothers and daddy (who is working from home right now) make up for the time lost with me. 

I know this is all temporary- people will go back to work and school and extra curricular activities and we will find some moments of mommy and baby time once again. But I also know that toddler life is temporary- this baby seems to be growing even faster than his brothers did. My moments with this baby, my last baby, are fleeting with each passing day.

I pray he always knows how special I think he is, how much I enjoy spending time with him, how loved by me he is. That even though his brothers will need me a lot, especially going into the school year and a remote start, that I know he needs me too. <3