Sunday, April 1, 2012

My Spring Break Plans

I hope your spring break plans don't look like mine...

Josh and I found out officially on Friday that the baby I've been carrying no longer has a heartbeat. 

Although I should be about ten weeks pregnant by now, our baby never showed growth past about six weeks.  While we never gave up the very small shred of hope that things would miraculously change, this news is bittersweet. 

Both of us prayed that the next step would be clear the next time we went to the doctor.  If things were going to get better, we wanted them to get better, but if things were not, we wanted to be able to deal with this miscarriage while I was not at school.  I have to be honest in saying that I also didn't want this to be drawn out anymore than it was as that is the piece I am struggling the most with.  If this baby was never going to be, why put us through this?  Why get the very small amount of people in my life who knew I was pregnant hopeful and excited that something might FINALLY work for us?  Why make it so that we would lose all the months between February and June not being able to try again? 

The doctor called our miscarriage a 'missed' miscarriage this time because my body hasn't miscarried on  its own.  I have had no bleeding, no cramping, no nothing.  I am thankful to be able to be seen so early in my pregnancy (we had our first visit at 7 weeks) because anyone who is 'normal' wouldn't even know anything was wrong.  Thank you Ann Arbor for continuing to take SUCH good care of me.  Oh that office is amazing! 

God, I struggle so much to see your plan.  Please trust that I know it's there, but I am a Type-A control freak.  You know this about me and love me anyway.  Surrender is the place in our relationship that I have the most trouble with.  You know this about me too.  It's difficult to understand why You would put us all through this and not end up with a baby at the end. 

This was not a positive way to start my first day of spring break and the next part of spring break will be even worse...

Tomorrow I will have a Manual Vacuum Aspiration (MVA) at my doctor's office in Ann Arbor.  This is a surgery that will essentially suck everything out of my uterus (sorry to be graphic, but that's what's happening).  Our baby will then go to a lab to get tested to see if there was anything wrong.  I don't know if I want the answer to be yes or no.

Although I'd much rather be in Cancun or really just about anywhere doing anything else with my break, I am thankful to be able to have this surgery on Monday and be able to use the week to heal and grieve without having to worry about my 55 sixth graders.  I know I need to take care of me and I'm appreciative for the opportunity to do that.  

I have to compliment Josh here too, who continues to be the most amazing partner.  He has been going into work this weekend just so that he can take some time off to grieve as well.  

I hope this teaches, heals, and connects...   

1 comment:

  1. I love you both so much and i continue to be amazed at your faith, your honesty, and your strength. I can't wait for the day when we finally have our family's miracle, no baby will be more loved or cherished than yours by both of our families, and you two will be the best parents any baby could ever ask for. I will continue to turn to God with both of you for hope and strength, and please know how much i love you and will always be here for both of you <3