Saturday, February 2, 2013

12 Week Appointment

November 6, 2012: 12 Weeks
Finally, after not being sure my sanity could wait a second longer...
Finally, after many mornings and evenings crying tears of worry and fret...
Finally, after four weeks of roller coaster emotions (including passing the due date of our second pregnancy/miscarriage)...

We found ourselves at Lansing OBGYN for my 12 week appointment.  THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!

This appointment, from what I was told, was a time to weigh me, take my blood pressure, have my urine tested, and hear the babies' heartbeats on a Doppler.

When the nurse called us back she first asked me how I was feeling.  I still continue to be uncomfortable with that question because I want to answer: grateful, appreciative, thankful.  I don't want to say nauseous or exhausted because those things are not even a blip on my radar.  I just want to still be pregnant, no matter what, the.end. 

I answered her, "pretty good." 

Josh sort of coughed next to me.  I knew what that cough meant.  He, my mother, and my therapist, wanted me to talk with the doctors/nurses about how I've mentally been feeling so that they could understand all that encompasses this crazy basketcase worrier.

So I followed up, "Does that question count how I'm mentally feeling?"  She said yes, so I gave her a mouthful, but here are the highlights:
  • I'm a fertility patient.  I'm used to being seen ALL THE TIME.  I'm used to having ultrasounds ALL THE TIME.  To have needed to wait four weeks to have a doctor's appointment was extremely difficult.  
  • I'm not sleeping well/at all because I'm waking up during the night a nervous wreck.
  • I'm on the verge of tears daily waiting for 'the other shoe to drop.'  We've had two miscarriages, both early in pregnancy, and it has been a nightmare to sit and wait with no reassurance that everything is okay. 
  • I had a bleeding scare several weeks ago and still find the need to "check" myself a million times a day in the bathroom. 
  • I know of people that have had miscarriages around this time of pregnancy as well so that makes me even more paranoid, worried, and unsure.
That nurse listened to every single word through my cracked voice and my eyes swelling with tears.  She nodded and said she can see why this time has been difficult and must've seemed very long (UM YES!)  That was nice enough, but she went a step farther....

"How about this," she started, "I'm going to fish around here with this Doppler and I'm going to find it difficult to find two heartbeats.  Let's let you see your babies, let's get you an ultrasound."  

This could go down in history as one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.  She didn't have to, she probably wasn't even supposed to, but did anyway out of the kindness of her heart.

So after "fishing around" on the Doppler, into the ultrasound room we went and never in my life have I seen something so amazing.  Our babies, four weeks older, looked like humans, not tadpoles, not gray dots.  I have never been far enough in pregnancy to see anything like what was in front of me.  They had arms and legs and were MOVING!  Baby B was punching and kicking and Baby A even waved at us.  Both heartbeats were also completely normal.   

My tears were so overflowing that the nurse, when we got back to the exam room, thought something was wrong.  Through my tears, I gave her the biggest smile and said, "No, everything was great.  You have no idea what you just did for us" and I thanked her lots and lots of times. 

Throughout our whole journey with infertility, God has tried so many times to teach me patience which is something I am no good at.  He showed me I could wait four weeks to have a doctor's appointment and even though I came close many times, I would not break and I would persevere.  With that being said, he knows me and all my failings and sent an angel to give me the solace I so desperately wanted/needed. 
Goodbye First Trimester! :)

Four weeks later, when we went back for our 16 week appointment on Wednesday December 5th. we tried to score another ultrasound, but it didn't work this time.  The Doppler was our best case for reassurance and I had to be okay with that. 

Baby A had a heartbeat of 158, Baby B had a heartbeat of 154. 

God had shown me yet again that I could do this and I could persevere.  We would get another ultrasound until 20 weeks.  I would have to wait 8 whole weeks in between our 12 and 20 week appointments to see our babies and I had to accept that. 

Keep praying...keep hoping...

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