When Parents are Supposed to be Fine, but Aren't

I was just reading something the other day about how "fine" moms (and parents in general) are supposed to be. I really see some truth to that.

• We are supposed to be fine as we juggle career and motherhood with patience and plenty of energy, that we don't actually have, to go around to everything and everyone.

• We are supposed to be fine as our executive functioning goes through the roof- managing everyone's schedule, trying to get everyone where they need to go at any given moment, making sure all winter gear is packed, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc, etc, etc. 

• We are supposed to be fine as we work so hard to remember SO many individual little things things like how one child needs an extra snack for an after school activity, another has a basketball game on Sunday to make up, another has a speech appointment or how one of your children has a Valentine's party on Wednesday, another on Thursday, and another on Friday. 

• We are supposed to be fine as we run on little sleep, little solitude, and only mere moments to do our hair or put on makeup or put on freaking clean clothes (I am on at least day three of the same pants I picked up off my closet floor ;) ). 

Moms really do walk around with a lot while trying to be okay. They also, of course, have their own insecurities, their own shortcomings, and more worries and thoughts swirling around in their own brain about all the humans they love and are responsible for than there would ever be time to digest or sort through. 

I want to be honest. I'm not fine right now. I'm actually having a really hard time. I've had a rough couple of weeks mommying.

I'm impatient, annoyed, disappointed. I'm quick to anger, I'm easily flustered. My energy is low.

I'm not feeling very much like the compassionate, understanding, organized, supportive, and loving mom I try so hard to be. I actually kinda feel like a failure.

I'm in an 'I'm not fine' funk.

I'm so certain that anyone who is reading this has felt the same way. I hope reading my words helps you to feel that you are not alone. A lot of times other moms (or parents) don't even have the time or energy to be able to talk with others about how not fine they are.

Helping us all feel connected, though so necessary, isn't totally why I'm sharing this.

Whenever I am in a bit of a funk, I often try to figure out why with very logical, sensible reasons. In this case, I could say: people have been sick or Josh was in New York City for several days or everyone is just tired of winter or I haven't gotten enough 'me' time lately or I've got a lot of things on my mind and up in the air.

Our family was also coming off a really difficult weekend- one of those times where it felt like there was plenty of dysfunction, plenty of sassy attitudes, and plenty of not listening. Josh and I were both at our wits end. I used all of my smart tools up, and turned to prayer- I felt like it was all I had left. Jesus, seriously take the wheel. I joke that phrase will be Preston's first full sentence.

Although there were plenty of nice moments like Nolan's last basketball game of the season, cuddling up together to watch a movie, playing cards, or spending time outside with beautiful weather... it was all overshadowed by the difficult stuff that seemed to be on repeat in our house.

Then, Monday came, a fresh start, a new day, a new week!

But alas, the morning was stressful- Judah had choked on an apple, Carter refused to get dressed, we were late getting out the door, the house was a disaster. And, before the day was done, I had cleaned up puke several times, a bunch of powder hot chocolate had been spilled on the floor, and I had gotten nowhere in the things I had tried to accomplish.

Last night, despite my emotional and physical exhaustion, I didn't fall asleep until 2am.

Any of these circumstances could make sense on why I'm feeling low and frustrated.

But maybe, just maybe, there isn't actually a reason. Maybe I am simply having a hard time.

Here's the thing... I am a researcher, an investigator, always searching for the why. I'm certain I couldn't fall asleep last night was because I kept thinking about the reason or reasons why I am in this difficult parenting fog right now. My brain was trying so hard to pinpoint what is going on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to figure out why something is happening- that can provide you with all sorts of enlightenment and tools to move forward.

But sometimes, if I'm being so honest, I think I try to explain my feelings away instead of being present in them, experiencing them, diving into them.

I know feelings are real, and valid, and impactful. I know they are temporary.

I also know there is power in letting them be, letting them happen.

I can be really bad at that last part- I want to figure out why it's happening and then keep it moving forward. I don't always experience and think about the emotion or emotions I have. I'm a passionate person and feel very deeply, but I fall short in learning about those feelings and letting them wash over me.

That, to me, is why I needed to write today. Reflecting, reminding myself, and challenging myself to be present in these feelings of frustration, impatience, and failure. It's completely okay for me not to be fine right this minute and it's also completely okay for me not to know why. I am hopeful that I let myself be in the difficulty and feel it all. 

If anyone else is on the same struggle bus as me (I've told several people recently I feel like the bus has parked outside my house), I see you, I understand.  <3